Trapped

I feel terrible. I got into an arguement with Mom. I'm trying to find a job, but it's not going well. I know Mom's right. I know I should be more aggressive, but...I'm scared. I've never been good at aggressive, and I know that's what everyone wants. I've tried going to people and asking for jobs before, but I've been turned down. I've sent out resumes, but I really need to talk to these people. I was hoping to avoid the "talking" part until I got interviews. I'll just stammer and stutter and look stupid, like always.

First and foremost, I DO NOT WANT TO WORK AT THE CASINOS! I don't care how big they are or how "corporate" they are. I hate them. I don't like what they do. I'd love to be a production assistant, but not in Sleazoid City. I wouldn't want a rat to be a production assistant in Sleazoid City.

Do any of the local radio stations need a production assistant? What about theater groups? Or libraries? Or the Philly TV stations? There has to be a local library who needs a clerk, or a publisher who needs a proofreader.

Why does everyone want "experience?" I have experience! I was the secretary for Stockton's student television network for three years, and I did the school newspaper the whole 4 1/2 years I was at Stockton. I was a receptionist at Stockton's Media Center! And if I don't have the experience, I'm willing to learn!

It's not "brain chemicals," it's just feeling like a loser. I should have gotten somewhere years ago, but I haven't and it's really getting me down. I'm never going to get out of the Acme. I'm going to be trapped as a cashier in a job I loathe for the rest of my life. I don't want to be trapped as a cashier for the rest of my life, but every time I try to build confidence, I just lose it again.