Don't Let Me Down

I overslept more than usual this morning. I didn't get up until 11...and I had work at 12! I had just enough time to write in my journal, get dressed, wolf down two muffins, and throw lunch together for work. Ran a few songs from Brunch With the Beatles as I hurried around. "Songs Released during or around January" was the theme. I managed to catch "Don't Let Me Down" plus a couple of December numbers, "Penny Lane," "A Day In the Life," and "In My Life."

I rushed off to work as soon as I finished throwing together a ham sandwich for lunch. Thankfully, work wasn't nearly as much of a problem as it has been for the past couple of weeks. It was busy but not too bad, and people were in better moods. A lot of this may have had to do with the weather. By the time one of the college boys came in for my relief, the clouds that were prevalent this morning had started to break apart. The sun continued to come out as I headed home. It wasn't nearly as cold or warm as it has been, either. It was probably in the 40s, maybe a little warm for this time of year but not bad.

I called Mom when I got in. I didn't have a chance to this morning! I told her about how frustrated I've been lately, at work and at home. I just don't know where to go next. I want out of the Acme, but I don't know how. I talk down to myself because I feel like nothing is going right. Every word out of my mouth (or fingers - witness the fracas on the Thursday entry with Tina) upsets someone. I don't know if I should substitute teach, or if I really would be right in an office, or if I should write, of if I did write, how I would sell my work when I'm not good at talking to people. I don't know what to do.

All I can do right now is call Stockton and see what they say, maybe talk to the theaters and Studio LuLoo down the street for volunteering opportunities and recommendations, and do a lot of research on jobs and hobbies. It's hard to love yourself when you've spent a lot of your life more-or-less being told by almost everyone outside your family and a few other people that what you are isn't worth loving. I've tried and tried to build my confidence, only to see it shatter again when my plans don't work out and I go right back to being trapped.

My stomach is still in knots. Even a nice, long bath listening to Jamie Cullum didn't help. I made apple-cinnamon pancakes for dinner (to make up for the rushed breakfast) and listened to the Broadway cast albums Annie Get Your Gun (the original cast with Ethel Merman) and Carnival. That helped a little, but I still feel down.

It doesn't help that it's January, either. I hate January. It's after the holidays. Everyone's broke, and there's nothing going on besides the football playoffs and Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I'm just so depressed. I guess it's because I had so much fun during the holidays...and then all of a sudden, I was hit with two very stressful weeks in a row. I haven't really gotten over that stress yet. The crazy weather and my customers' recent behavior hasn't helped.