Let It Go

I slept off and on until around 10:30, then read in bed and did my journal while listening to Brunch With the Beatles. The early album Beatles For Sale was in the spotlight today. Often described as one of their darker albums, the boys did this one while they were in the midst of touring and TV and stage performances and were very pressed for time. They'd also just met Bob Dylan; John was particularly influenced by his work, which shows up in "I'm a Loser" and "Baby's In Black." Other well-known songs from this album include "I'll Follow the Sun," "No Reply," and the singles "I Don't Want to Spoil the Party" and "Eight Days a Week."

I called Mom even before I made breakfast. We talked for over an hour. While this week was generally a much better week than the previous ones, I'm still frustrated. I just do not like my job. It's hard to explain this to people. I don't belong there. I shouldn't be there. The money's nice, but it doesn't feel right. I have no support there at all and no one to talk to. My co-workers are nice, but they're all either younger than me, older than me, or in a different class bracket and don't understand what I'm going through.

Trouble is, I don't know where to go next. Mom says I put too much pressure on myself. Of course I put pressure on myself. I have to get out of this job as soon as I can. Everyone's always saying I'm so smart. Smart people don't work at grocery stores. They're supposed to be using the skills they studied at college. They're supposed to be working with their peers, at a job that they don't come home everyday from crying because they feel so wrong there. Why can't I work at a job that earns me money and health insurance and makes me happy?

Mom says "let it go." I can't. I feel so out of place. Connections are very hard for me. I can't connect with my customers. I can't connect with my co-workers. I haven't even connected with my neighbors all that well. I don't know how. It doesn't help that I'm really rather afraid of my customers and what they'll do to me and say about me. I fear people. The child within me lives in fear of adults who will hurt her and take her away and of other children who will call her names and insult her. The adult fears being hurt by people who carry chips on their shoulder a mile wide and are rude and nasty.

I wish I knew how to comfort that child and connect to others around me. Mom suggested looking at online courses from the local community colleges on connection and how to connect to people. I looked at some tonight and will look over more tomorrow. I'm wary of online courses after the business classes I took from Stockton were completely useless, but one simple one from a different company might not hurt.

After I finally ate my (very tasty) gingerbread pancakes, I spent the rest of the afternoon going through old journals and streaming the Broncos-Patriots game on CBS Sports.com. I have journals going back as far as 1987. Dad gave Rose and me each a fancy journal with holographic covers and keys to lock them. Rose gave up on hers eventually, but I kept writing in mine. I wrote in that first journal until 1995. I even still have the key. I wrote in journals only occasionally through October 2006. On a suggestion I read in a book on mediating, I decided to try writing in my journal for at least 15 minutes every morning. It worked so well, I've done it ever since.

I had so many journals, I didn't even get through 2007 before the game was half-over and my stomach was growling for lunch. There were a lot of memories in those early journals. Some I'd even forgotten, like the year I turned 17, and my birthday dinner was a disaster that ended up with my parents sniping at each other and the other kids all moping. Or how a couple of my friends and I went to see the re-release of The Empire Strikes Back in 1997 and almost got kicked out of the theater because we talked too loud over the important parts. Or my feelings after 9/11, while watching the all-star, money-raising special America: A Tribute to Heroes.

Incidentally, I was rooting for the Broncos. They kicked rear end all season, and the Patriots have been to the Super Bowl plenty of times recently. I called it right - the Broncos plowed through them for most of the set, and a late rally in the 4th quarter wasn't enough to prevent them losing 26-16. 

(I called the second game right, too. I didn't get to see it, but the Seahawks, after being down to the 49ers in the first half, came back to win 23-17. While I would have been happy with either team there, the 'Niners did go to the Super Bowl last year. I don't think Seattle's been there for a while, if they ever have.)