Thursday, August 17, 2006

Haven't Got Time For the Pain

I just want everything to be right again.

I did go see Lauren. We had a wonderful time. We're so compatable. We tied twice the four times we played miniature golf. She won one time and I won the other. We'd walk around all the lovely little cities and towns in the Berkshire area, shopping and exploring, in the morning and early afternoon. By late afternoon, we'd be back at Lauren's parents' house, watching movies or her current obsessions, Knight Rider and Monk. We went to Six Flags Great Escape in upstate New York and did get on some rides. It was so hot, we rode the river rapids ride three times (twice in a row). Lauren hadn't been to an amusement park in years and it's been at least ten years since I've been to any amusement park but the Morey's Piers in Wildwood, so that was a special treat for us. We went to see a Single-A minor league baseball game with Lauren's parents, who were very sweet.

It hasn't been nearly as much fun since I got back. The knee and wrist still hurts. It didn't go away after a week or two. They aren't nearly as bad as they were when I first hurt them, but I still can't bend either all the way. I can't help it. I can't take any more time off of work. I'm sick of my lousy hours at the Acme and customers who can't keep their city attitudes in the city. I'm sick of feeling helpless and worthless and empty. I just can't drum up interest in anything. I start writing and I don't finish, and I need to sell SOMETHING.

(And don't say "go to the doctor." They're not broken and I don't think there's anything anyone can do at this late date but tell me to stay off my feet, which I can't do all the time, and take aspirin or something similar.)

I want my knee and wrist to just go away. I want to be able to ride my bike again. I'm scared to death that if I get back on while it's still sore, I'll damage it permanently and be helpless for the rest of my life. What will happen if I fall off again while it still feels like this? I want to be independant. I'm proud of my independance. Not many people who go through the things I've gone through are as independant as I am.

I want to meet someone who can tell me where to find a job...because it isn't the paper. I pick up the paper and I see some administrative assistant or secretarial jobs. That's about it for me. I don't drive. I'm not an engineer, a teacher, or a saleswoman. I don't have the patience or the aggressiveness or the technical know-how. I don't know anything about finance or medicine, and I'm not interested in finance or medicine. Doesn't anyone in the Camden County area need a proofreader, creative writer, editor, 20th century historian, or just someone to organize their files or even just their junk?

I'm scared and I'm at the end of my rope. I know Mom, Lauren, Uncle Ken, Erica, and Rose all say they support me. Why do I recieve this support but still feel alone? Why can't I enjoy going to work, instead of wishing I were anywhere else? Are you supposed to enjoy work, or do you just do something that pays the bills until you die?

I liked volunteering at the thrift shop where Erica works today. I'd love to volunteer at the local libraries, but the last time I asked, none of them needed volunteers. How could they NOT need volunteers? Don't places ALWAYS need volunteers?

Everyone else has SOMETHING. Rose has Kelsey. Mom has her crafts and health and family. Anny has Skylar. Skylar has his mommy and nana and pop pop. Bill and Bruce have their children and jobs and friends. Uncle Ken has his family and friends and his home and hobbies. Erica has the thrift shop and her friends. Lauren has her job and parents and the many TV shows and movies she's interested in.

What about me? I'm not interested in ANYTHING that strongly. I'm almost afraid to be. I spent half my childhood being jeered at because I was obsessed with some weird movie or TV show. Now I'm afraid to be obsessed with anything, lest I be made fun of for it. I guess I just haven't found anything yet. I don't know how to meet people. Where do people who don't feel strongly for things go? Where do people who are like me go when they're offline? Where are the people like me?

I just want everything to go away.

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