Behind Hazel Eyes

I called the family for my weekly talk this morning; finally got Mom. Physically, she was feeling much better and had almost entirely recovered from last week's bout with the stomach flu. (Keefe apparently got it, too, but not as badly.) Mom is trying to get the yard of the house done with the little money they have left, and is worried about Keefe's grades. He had to drop sports and other outside activities until they improved.

The other thing she wanted to talk about was something she'd found on the Internet. I forget how she said she found this, but she says she thinks I may have a mild form of Autism known as Asperger's Syndrome. Many of the symptoms - difficulty with social interaction and irony or teasing, tendency to obsess over topics, fear of change and desire for sameness, habit of taking words literally, poor and/or delayed motor skills, clumsiness - do relate to me (although most of the sites I've read says AS is more common in boys than girls).

I have mixed feelings about this. All my life, I've hoped upon hope that everyone was wrong and there was nothing wrong with me at all. I assumed I was just weird and people simply don't and can't understand. And I was called a "retard" so much throughout my school career (well into college) that I'd come to know what one was...and I wasn't. I was so tired of being constantly told that people would have to know how to "handle" me, like I was a China doll. I don't want to be handled. I want to be loved.

I don't agree with Mom that AS is entirely the problem, either. I was bullied constantly as a child. My sisters and brother and I lived through some nasty childhood trauma during a period in the late 80s when the family seemed to be breaking apart. I was too afraid to be involved in clubs like 4-H or the Girl Scouts (my sisters were briefly members of both) and thought I was too clumsy and physically inept for sports teams.

I've thought about this a lot today. Probably a good thing work was very busy (and my relief was late), but otherwise no problem. I wonder if I have some of the other problems listed, too. I know I have a hard time talking about my own feelings, but...am I insensitive to how other people feel? Do I cut them off? Do I bore people when I talk about one of my obsessions? I know I lisp, but I thought that had to do with my overbite. I do tend to talk fast when I'm nervous and revert to old habits.

I want to join a group, but I don't want it to be clinical. I don't want to feel like a China doll or a hamster in a lab cage. I don't want to be "handled." I just dread what groups of people will say...will think...about someone who isn't normal.

Here's some more information on Asperger's Syndrome:

http://health.yahoo.com/children-behavior/asperger-s-syndrome-topic-overview/healthwise--zq1009.html