A Walk In the Park

I slept in so late, it was quarter after 11 before I finally awoke, and nearly noon before I had my Banana Honey Pancakes for breakfast! I did get to hear most of the second half of Brunch With the Beatles. John Lennon, who was killed around this time in 1980, was in the spotlight today. Among the songs I heard were "Imagine," "If I Fell," and two classic solo efforts from his last album Double Fantasy, "Woman" and "Just Like Starting Over."

I had a long talk on the phone with Mom after brunch. She's really worried about me. I'm worried, too. I don't agree with everything she says, but some of it makes sense. One thing that did - trying dried beans as an alternative to pricier meats. It's not like I don't have the time to soak them.

Another one was making my own stock. I already make chicken stock. It might not be a bad idea to try vegetable stock, too.

I still don't like the idea of dropping baking entirely. First of all, baking items of all kinds are usually on huge sales at this time of year. Second, that's what I do for Christmas. I make cookies. Third, I enjoy it, and I've given up too many things that I enjoy already. I dropped the gym. I won't be doing yoga classes for a while. I can't go for rides and browse in stores, can't go to the malls, can't go on trips. I can't visit one of my best friends for Christmas or see my family on Christmas Eve. I can't even do much Christmas shopping.

While I don't mind the food stamps and partial unemployment, and am on the hunt for a therapist, I draw the line at medication. I know it works for Rose and for my nephew Skylar, but my problems are different. I think a lot of my problems are anxiety disorders stemming from long-time shyness and low self-esteem. That doesn't need drugs, just someone to talk to who is trained in dealing with anxiety disorders and focus problems.

I also figured out a big part of why I can't find a decent job. Looking at Monster.com last night, I realized how so many job posts, in addition to requiring anything from 2 to 10 years of experience, weighed heavily in favor of people who are social butterflies or work well in a team. I am not a social butterfly. I do not work well in a team. I hate the high-pressure job at the Acme. I'm trying to get away from stressful jobs, not go into another one. I don't talk to people well.

Mom's right that I do need to work on my social skills, and that's not something that medication is going to help. I've only been depressed lately because I've had a rough couple of months, and it's never been as damaging as it was for poor Rose. Talking to people who aren't demanding I bag the way they want it or make the sales item the price they want it to be will.

The other big question was what to do about the apartment. It's not like I haven't paid the rent. It's just been late. Mom says I should talk to Dad about moving into Uncle Ken's now-empty room, or move in with her and Dad in Cape May County.

I do need to talk to Dad-Bruce when he gets home. (He's currently at sea - he's a freelance cruise ship captain.) While moving in with him wouldn't be horrible, it's really a last-ditch idea. I have too much stuff to fit in his house. I'm not even considering Cape May County. Mom and Bill don't have that big of a house. As Mom pointed out, there really isn't much down there in the way of jobs (which is one of the reasons I left in the first place).

I already had plans to go online and apply for partial unemployment and to go for a walk. I usually go for a nice, long walk on the rare Sundays I'm off and there's no football game in the afternoon. I headed to Newton River Park after I finished with the application. It was sunny this morning, but by the time I was crossing the White Horse Pike near CVS, it had clouded over and was decidedly chillier.

It was still a pretty nice day for a stroll. It was cold, but not windy or bitter. There were quite a few other people out for a stroll, too. The leaves are almost all gone from the trees here. I admired the remaining trees and flowers and the seed pods remaining on many plants by the river. Many people had their dogs out; others pushed small children in strollers. Older kids rode bikes or played in their backyards.

It was starting to get dark as I climbed the steep stone steps up to East Clinton Avenue. Quite a few people were putting up their Christmas lights today. Many others have already done theirs. I really love looking at the holiday displays in the neighborhoods. There was one house that had elegant blue, white, and green decorations, including the wreath on the door and the beautiful sculpture swans on the lawn. Many houses had wreaths in the windows and on the door. I like the really sweet light-up wire sculptures of bears and reindeer. (Matt of Dinosaur Dracula managed to find one of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.) Even Matt's Santa Drac looks more elegant than inflatables that tend to be tacky and take up massive amounts of space. I made a really quick stop at WaWa for skim milk before returning home.

Still feeling depressed, I listened to the Carpenters and worked on a crocheting project for a while before having leftover chicken soup and a cheese wrap for dinner and switching to the infinitely more cheerful Good Eats. Two of Alton Brown's earliest episodes were on dried beans and dried pasta. The pasta didn't really have much more than how to boil it, but the beans episode did come with a few good recipes. I don't have a dutch oven and won't be able to try the "Once and Future Beans," (a variation on Boston Baked Beans), but the Black Bean Salad looks tasty, and I have made the hummus before. It's divine.