Just Plain Bad

I generally did not have a good day. First of all, I was up really, really late, around 11. I hate getting up that late. It really throws off my internal clock. I was up so late, I called Mom before I had breakfast/brunch/lunch so she wouldn't worry.

I ended up having a LONG talk with Mom. Yes, I'm frustrated with my job. I hate my job...but it provides money. And yes, I KNOW the economy is bad, so could everyone please stop using that as an excuse?

Just let me vent for a moment. I'm scared. I'm paralyzed with fear. Mom says I should take risks. How? Every time I take a risk, it never pans out. I expected to get a real job within six months to a year of moving here. I expected to get a real job within six months to a year of getting out of college. I spent over a year putting in applications to book stores and FYE. I talked to radio stations and newspapers in Cape May and Atlantic Counties, applied to casino offices and real estate offices, and talked to every employment agency in the Lower Township/Wildwood area, including Unemployment. Nothing worked. Nothing happened. Nothing changed.

Same old story. Nobody wanted me. I have experience in retail. What did the bookstores want? Someone to work the cafes. I have experience as a secretary. What did the real estate offices want? Their best friends to work for them. I wrote newspaper articles in college. What did the newspapers want? Someone who could travel. God only knows what the casinos wanted. I don't exactly look like a Rockette. They probably wanted someone cute that the gamblers could look at.

Everyone wonders why I'm afraid? How can I talk to anyone? Every time I try, I never know what to say. I look more foolish than Max! I just get upset and make myself look like an idiot. I can't talk without embarrassing myself. It's easier to just get upset because that's what I've always done. It's easier to do what you've always done, especially when you're scared. When you're scared, instinct takes over.

Of course I get upset when I make a mistake. I shouldn't have made that mistake. The words just come out, even though I know they shouldn't. How can you stop putting yourself down when it's second nature...and when at the time, you think it's true? If you're so smart and so wonderful, why can't you stop things from going wrong?

Even when I know things are going wrong, I can't bring myself to change them. I'd rather they just went away and/or changed themselves. I've spent a lot of my life being told that I should ignore things, and they'd just go away. I'm too scared. I don't want to confront anything. What if things go wrong? What if I get hurt? What if I ruin everything?

The back wheel on the cruiser bike has been bent for a while now. The spokes are bent and loose. I have half the neighborhood searching for a back tire for that bike, but people just aren't getting rid of cruiser bikes like they used to. I tried to ride to work on it, but it was rubbing too hard against the frame. I ended up walking it and being twelve minutes late. I didn't get in trouble, but for me, losing money is punishment enough without anyone at work saying anything. Two dollars means two dollars less on my paycheck at the end of the week. It means two dollars less in the bank. Two dollars less to pay the rent and bills with. It was too dead for me to even make up the time later.

The mountain bike has a flat tire and still needs the brakes replaced. I want to take the good inner tube off the cruiser until I can order a wheel for it online, since I can't seem to find one anywhere else, but my neighbor can't do it until Tuesday. I got so upset! I angrily kicked the wheel, trying to bend it back into shape...and behaving stupidly and immaturely around people who have been very nice to me.

How do you eliminate fear? How do you tell yourself to get a move on and stop acting like a stupid, spoiled-rotten, immature little idiot? If I were a real human being, I'd have a normal job and a normal group of friends, like every other 30 year old who went to college and has a career. I feel so horrible. (And the fact that I got...that time of the month...yesterday and it's way too early isn't helping.)

On one hand, I want to change...but how do you change when you're scared? What if I lose things? What if I can't talk to Lauren anymore, or don't have the time for bike rides in the park, or can't just go where I want to? If I meet new people, doesn't that mean I won't have time for old people? When you get new friends, there's no time for the old friends. That's how I've lost friends before. When people meet someone more interesting than me, they suddenly don't have time for me anymore.

Most of the time, I feel like there's no one who understands me. You can't tell people your problems when you're unique. No one else lives alone, with just stuffed animals. No one else would rather spend quiet time baking or reading, or has the time during the week to go on long biking or shopping trips to the middle of nowhere. Everyone would rather take the car and hurry, hurry, hurry!

I'm angry and tired and frustrated and my stomach hurts. I know I sound like a whiny, spoiled brat, but there's few other places I can complain to. I wish I had someone to come home to who could talk to me and hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok, because they know just what to do in every situation.

When do you stop hurting? When do you stop being afraid?