When Things Go Wrong

I had a very bad day today. I got called into the Acme. This should have been a very good thing, given my bad hours this week, right? I know. I shouldn't complain. I should be happy I have a job at all and am working and making money, and that should be what matters, right? It shouldn't matter how I feel about the job, as long as I'm doing a job and am working and can afford a roof over my head and food, right? After all, who really likes their job?

I hate the Acme job.

I had planned to finally dust and scrub the bathroom and hall floors this afternoon, but the Acme only gave me 21 hours this week. I literally could not afford to turn down hours. Besides, I turned down hours the last time they asked; I don't want to sound unreliable.

The Acme was a pain when it wasn't dead. My very last customers threw a fit because two of the four 12-packs of soda they'd picked up weren't part of a specific sale. They failed to read the fine print and accused US of doing something illegal! I got so upset. This was the third time today (and at least the sixth time this week) I'd had problems with this sale. No one reads the fine print on the stupid coupon; they just assume all of the soda flavors are part of the sale, instead of actually looking. The people left in an angry huff, and I left in tears.

I can't stand people being angry. I don't want people around me angry. I want them to be happy because I made them happy, to be pleased with my performance. I do care about making people happy. If they aren't happy and complain, they could make other people angry at me.

I know it was the store's fault and not mine...but they were so angry when they left. I'm afraid of angry people. Angry people hurt other people.

Lauren's going away for two days and wasn't up to writing tonight; we're going to have to put writing our Monkee stories on hold until at least Monday, for all two of the people who care (Tina, you're one, I know). I haven't been able to get to talk to Rose, either, and I'm afraid if I vent to Mom, we'll just end up arguing.

In The Swim

The big news today was my first swim of the year in Uncle Ken's pool. He's the only person I know in the area who has an in-ground pool, and I swam laps and did stretching exercises for my knee while my laundry was in the dryer. My biological father Bruce set up a small fountain in the grassy area alongside the pool, trying to fill in the gap left by a pine tree knocked over in the February and March ice storms.

Other than that, it was a quiet day. I spent the afternoon reading and catching up on my cleaning; the dining room and music room area desperately needed to be vacuumned.

It was a gorgeous day, sunny and warm but not humid. Even so, I turned the air conditioner back on. It's supposed to get into the 90s by the end of the week again. One of my two fans had a hard time starting up when I first brought it out of the storage room and just wouldn't run again tonight, so I put it out in the trash. I bought it the first year I lived in Wildwood, which would have been about five years ago, not a bad run for a reletively cheap fan bought from Eckard's. I'll look for a new one at CVS tomorrow and Wal-Mart on Friday.

Oh, and I'm considering finding another record player. The one I have won't work, no matter how much I try to balance it. It'll work for a minute or two, then go back to being too slow or too fast. The manual is no help at all. It tells you how to fix the CD player and the tape player, but the only thing it tells you to do to fix the record player is turn the screw that is supposed to balance the turntable. The screw doesn't seem to be balancing anything, no matter how much I turn it.

Chocolate Chip Kind Of Morning

I woke up this morning, and for the first time in over a week, I was...chilly. Of course, I had the fan turned on my bed, but the air conditioner wasn't on. I discovered a perfect day, warm but not killer humid like over the weekend, sunny and blue-skyed.

I got up late and decided the house was cool enough to bake. I hadn't baked in a while. I made a Chocolate Chip Coffee Cake from a low-fat cookbook Mom gave me two years ago. It came out beautifully, nice and golden brown. I didn't really have the time to do much more than this week's first set of pilates and make the coffee cake, as I got up very late.

I have the next three days off. No, it's not a vacation. It was dead today at the Acme, and I imagine it'll be dead for the rest of the week and probably next week, too, until the high school kids get out and everyone starts holding graduation parties. My hours will pick up slightly in mid-June and drop like a stone again after the Fourth of July.

This year, it may be just as well. I'll be on vacation this year from July 16th to July 22nd. I just got the bus tickets today. Once again, I'll be visiting my best friend Lauren in New England. I was originally going to go at the end of July, but now I'm kinda glad Lauren had to change her vacation time when she got a promotion. It'll probably be a lot less busy two weeks after the Fourth of July. I'm hoping to run into less traffic in New York this way, too. The bus from Albany to New York going home last year ran into both bad weather and major traffic, and I almost went crazy. (I don't know how Matt from X-Entertainment, who lives on Staten Island and works in Manhattan, does it!)

Happy Memorial Day!

And let me more seriously salute our fighting men, especially those of World War I (which inspired this holiday) and our men in Iraq. My best friend Lauren's brother is in Iraq now; may he and all of our soliders overseas be home safe, sound, and soon.

Pleasant Memorial Day Monday

I ended up having a very nice day, despite having to work in the morning. I honored our fighing men by watching all of the military-related Donald Duck cartoons on the Chronological Donald, Vol. 2 Walt Disney Treasures set, including the Oscar-winning "Der Fuherer's Face" and the rare and very politically incorrect "Commando Duck." Later in the day, I listened to my CD copy of the 1960 studio cast album for "On the Town" that features Nancy Walker, Betty Comden, and Adolph Green, along with my CD of the 1971 "No No Nanette" revival.

Work was fast and very, VERY busy! We had lines literally going halfway down the frozen food eisle at one point! Maybe the newspapers were wrong about people flocking to the Jersey Shore despite high gas prices...

I came home and rested while watching the rest of the Donald cartoons, then went outside. I threw the Frisbee around in the park again, and I still felt full of pent-up energy afterwards, so I swept my porch. Dinner was pan-cooked chicken drumsticks without the skin and barbecue sauce, a rather tough piece of corn on the cob, and Spiced Beets, a recipe I got out of the "Live Longer Cookbook." The beets came from the farm market and were as fresh as you can get, and were they ever messy to slice! My hands are still a little pink. They came out really well, though. I've never had beets before, but I'm open to trying new veggies and fruits if I can find an interesting recipe for them.

I finished off the day with a short walk to Leo's Yum Yums, a popular ice cream shop on West Clinton Avenue, a few blocks from me. I bought a medium cherry-vanilla water ice. The cherry was pretty good, but the vanilla was a tad bland.

The late-day excursion reminded me of the summer evening walks I took with Mom, Keefe, and the girls when I was about 13 or 14, Keefe was still in a stroller, and we were living on the border of Cape May and West Cape May. We'd walk down to the beach after dinner, around 7 or 8PM, and would run around and laugh and draw things in the sand. Afterwards, we'd stop at one of the ice cream parlors on the Washington Street Mall for a special treat. That was so much fun. I kind of missed it when we moved to North Cape May a few years later.

May Fair

Had a pleasant day, despite the hot and humid temperatures. (A major thunderstorm tonight should largely take care of that.) I got up early and went to the bank and the Collingswood Farm Market. I recieved quite a surprise when I discovered the Farm Market had been integrated into a massive Memorial Day Weekend fair up and down Haddon Avenue, Collingswood's main street. There was music, games, classic cars, and crafts, crafts, and more crafts. Alas, I couldn't afford the craft booths, not even one with American Girl doll clothes I did want; I just ended up getting the usual fruits and veggies from the farmer's market booths (which were off on a shady side street and all the better for it, as the craft booths were sweltering on Haddon Avenue).

I didn't really get to do too much exploring at the fair, as I had reletively early work today. Work was busy, with few problems. Actually, I was surprised it was busy. I figured everyone would be at the Shore.

No major plans for the rest of the weekend, as I work early tomorrow and Monday. I'll just hang out and experiment with the veggies I brought home, including my first fresh beets.

So Much To Do In the Sunshine

I went back into Philadelphia today. No luck. Both bookstores claim their sales have gone down and they can't afford to hire more help. I did take a very nice walk in Rittenhouse Square later in the afternoon after leaving Barnes and Noble, though. It was very pleasant. The park was so busy, I thought there was some kind of an event going on; no, it was just city people finding a way to enjoy the gorgeous day without leaving the city. There were kids and their parents playing in fountains not yet filled with water, teenagers and college students sunning themselves on the grass (and ignoring "keep off the grass" signs), and adults of all ages walking on the paths or resting on a bench or riding bikes or running.

I didn't feel too horrible, even after the rejection. I'll go back, but I'm really wondering if I truly want a bookstore job. Trouble is, I don't know what kind of job I want. I haven't worked at an office job since I worked for Richard Stockton College's media center during school from September 1999 to December 2001. I'd love to have a job with normal, nine-to-five hours, but I'm terrified of trying to put in applications and do interviews with some huge, faceless corporation.

I'd really like to do something creative with my talents, too...but I'm not sure what yet.

And I'd still like to volunteer for something involving kids and reading...if someone needed me.

I'm doing much better with losing weight. I lost five pounds last week. It was probably too much all at once, but it does mean I've now lost ten pounds! I do feel much better. Rose and I went to Dick's in Cherry Hill yesterday, her for weights, me for a yoga mat; I ended up buying a very simple DVD, too. We also visted Wegman's, a massive high-end grocery stores with some very cheap prices that specializes in organic, good-for-you, and specialty food, in addition to the usual things in grocery stores.

I did the yoga today and yesterday. Other than I can't quite do the basic sitting pose yet, thanks to my still-stiff left knee, and my arms are sore (I don't work them quite as much as my legs), I enjoyed it, despite all the wisecracks I made while doing it yesterday. I've wondered if that's why I didn't freak out as much when the bookstores turned me down today...or maybe it was the gorgeous day. It was too nice today for temper tantrums.

Making Plans

Today went much better than I'd anticipated for once. I was supposed to get together with my sister Rose so we could weigh each other for Weight-Watchers today, but she called this morning and said she was sick, could we do it another time? I was initially a little disappointed, but it may have been just as well. I got my laundry done today, bought 2-cent stamps so I could send out my bills without having to buy another book of stamps when I only bought one a month and a half ago, and pulled out my old field hockey ball and stick and hit the ball around the park and VFW parking lot, doing little drills with myself. That was fun. I threw a frisbee around yesterday, which was fun, too.

Work was busy for most of the night, up until an hour before I left, with few problems.

I have a general idea of what I'm going to do the rest of the week (finish cleaning, return library books, go to Philadelphia to chase bookstore jobs again), but something else I'd like to do is try to be more flexible with my plans. I can't keep getting upset when things don't go my way.

New Story

Here's my newest original short story. Actually wrote it in my journal a few months ago; this is the slightly revised version.

********

Would You Play With Me?
By Emma Redmer

“Mommy, would you have a tea party with me?”

“Sorry, sweetie, I have to get the pot roast in the oven. Why don’t you ask your father?”

“Daddy, would you play tea party with me?”

“Pumpkin, Daddy’s talking to a client. Why don’t you ask your brother?”

“Billy, would you play tea party with me?”

“No way! That’s baby stuff! ‘Sides, I’m at level five, and it takes forever to save this game! Go bug you sister.”

“Vicki, would you do SOMETHING with me?”

“Stop whining. I’m going on a date with Mike Parker, and I don’t want you bugging us while he’s here. Go play with your stuffed animals.”

“Oh, Susie, isn’t this a wonderful tea party! Everyone’s here! And the tea is just so divine, and you look divine, too! Don’t you think so?”

Her imaginary friend did not reply.

Waiting For the World To Change

In good news, last night's midnight shift went very well, certainly better than last week's. The customers I had perfectly normal, and there were no major problems customer-wise. There weren't even any complaints that the floor on the front end was going to be stripped and anything from the front end that could be moved was scattered all over the eisles.

Today's been a little frustrating. I got into volunteering late because I woke up late after last night's late shift. I didn't leave until 2. Didn't get my paycheck until 4. Didn't get home until 5:30. This left no time for finishing this month's cleaning or working on a short story, which was supposed to have been my goal for the week.

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. I just haven't felt motivated to write. I'm wondering if I've lost my touch, if I can even write stories anymore. I make all these big plans and get all these huge ideas, and I never follow through on them. I always put things off and put things off and it either takes forever to get things done or they never get done. I just wish everything would change now, instead of later. I wish everything would happen now.

I wish I were thin now.

I wish I were able to go up to a nice little office and ask for a nice little job now.

I wish I could ask a nice guy on a date now.

I'm tired of waiting for things to happen.

Late Night

I'm not going to be online tonight, which is why I'm online now. I have a 4-12 shift at work, and then I'm going straight to bed.

And right now, I've gotta get off-line. I need to do my pilates and clean the kitchen. I had mid-afternoon work yesterday and didn't get much of anything done.

Get In Shape, Girl!

As previously mentioned, I have always had a hard time losing weight. As a kid, I tried exercise videos, but they got old quickly. Why watch Richard Simmons sweat to the oldies when you can sweat to your own oldies...or go outside and sweat to whatever music you want, or none at all?

I did classes, too, when my mom was an aerobics instructor. They were ok, especially the kids-oriented ones my mom did, but the end of the aerobics craze killed the cheap ones (and the studio where Mom formerly worked).

I've tried walking routines, too, but I'd rather ramble and go somewhere than try to keep track of your heartbeat and your zone and this-that-and-the other thing.

The only "sports team" the Cape May County Special Services District had at the time was a floor hockey team for boys only, and that only in my last half-there, half-regular-high-school year. (It enraged me that I couldn't play. I didn't care how brutal the guys got. I just wanted to have fun!)

I played field hockey in high school, and I'd love to again...if an adult female field hockey team existed outside college. Not to mention I'd lose the weight during the season, but I'd gain it all back again over the winter and spring, since field hockey was the only sport I played.

Soccer? No thanks. I saw what it did to my sister. Softball? Can't catch or throw worth beans. Basketball? Can't shoot to save my life, and I run like a snail. Cheerleading? Me, in those skimpy outfits? I had a hard enough time with the field hockey uniforms. Besides, I'd never be able to lift the girls or jump high enough. Swim races? I don't swim any faster than I run. Tennis? My serve never makes it over the net, and there's that "slow" thing.

I can do a few sports. I have a nice volleyball serve. I rocked at Ultimate Frisbee. (I can still throw a mean frisbee.) I did manage to figure Field Hockey out enough that I actually got to junior varasity after two years (not that I played much). My family had a badminton net for a couple of years in the late-80s and I got pretty good.

The only thing I did in college was walk and go for occasional leisurly swims with my friend and (for a time) roommate Amanda. Those "leisurely swims" came in handy the long weekend after the bombing of the World Trade Center - there couldn't have been anything more theraputic for both of us than goofing off in a heated, quiet pool. Going for a long walk around campus on 9/11 was a big help to my well-being that day, too.

I did an on-again, off-again walking routine in Wildwood, but I'd usually succomb to boredom. The proximity of the boardwalk in the summer and it's many high-fat food joints did not help. On the other hand, I did often go for long, rambling walks across the Wildwood Islands, especially in warmer months. I took pictures of some of the Doo-Woppers in Wildwood Crest on one such ramble...which turned out to be more useful than I had planned, as many of those hotels were torn down just a few short years later.

I slacked off last year after I moved, partially due to the hoopla during and after my move, partially because of my nasty knee accident in mid-July.

I'm trying to figure out how to lose weight without losing interest. Right now, I'm doing three days a week of yoga and pilates, alternating them each week. (Pilates are this week.) I'm still walking, though I'm trying for further locations. I'm considering dance classes when my knees are up to it, and I may take a yoga course when I feel ready, too.

Tales Of Anne With An 'E and Other Bits and Pieces

I'm re-reading an old favorite of mine, "Anne of Green Gables." My mom gave me a huge book with the first two volumes and fifth volume of Anne's lengthy adventures, Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, and Anne's House Of Dreams, as a child. I never read House Of Dreams as a child because I thought Anne's grown-up adventures would be dull. I found one of the Anne books not contained in mine at the thrift shop a month ago, Anne of the Island. I enjoyed Anne's adventures in college so much, I decided it was time to give Miss Anne (with an "e") Shirley another chance.

I've now lost three pounds on the Weight Watchers. Rose has lost five or more, but she was always more athletic than I am. She plays tennis with her boyfriend and goes for long walks with her puppy. Not having a pet or someone to play sports with (and being lousy at most sports anyway), I'm pretty much on my own with exercise.

Rose and I each decided to set a non-weight related goal this week and see how well we do. I'm going to try to write a short story, just a little couple-paragraphs thing like what I did in February. When I do write it, I'll post it on this blog.

TV Post

Saw this at En's LiveJournal:

- Bold all of the following TV shows which you've ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime.
- Italicize a show if you're positive you've seen every episode of it.
- If you want, add up to 3 additional shows (keep the list in alphabetical order).


24
7th Heaven
8 Simple Rules
Adam-12
Aeon Flux
ALF
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Alias
All in the Family
American Idol/Pop Idol/Canadian Idol/Australian Idol/etc.
America's Got Talent
America's Next Top Model/Germany's Next Top Model
Angel
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Arrested Development
Babylon 5
Babylon 5: Crusade
Battlestar Galactica (the old one)
Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
Baywatch
Beavis & Butthead
Bewitched
Beauty and the Beast
Beverly Hills 90210
Blackadder
Blake 7
Bonanza
Bones
Bosom Buddies
Boston Public
Boy Meets World
Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Bug Juice
Caitlin's Way
Chappelle's Show
Charlie's Angels
Charmed
Cheers
CHiPs
Clarissa Explains It All
Cold Case
Columbo
Commander in Chief
Coupling
Cowboy Bebop
Crossing Jordan
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Dallas
Dancing with the Stars
Danny Phantom
Dark Angel
Dark Skies
Davinci's Inquest
Dawson's Creek
Dead Like Me
Deadwood
Degrassi: The Next Generation
Designing Women
Desperate Housewives
Dharma & Greg
Different Strokes
Doctor Who (1963)
Doctor Who (2005)
Dragnet
Due South
Earth 2
Eerie, Indiana
Emergency!
Entourage
ER
Everwood
Everybody Loves Raymond
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Facts of Life
Family Guy
Family Matters
Family Ties
Fantasy Island
Farscape
Father Ted
Fawlty Towers
Felicity
Felix the Cat
Firefly
Flash Forward
Forever Knight
Frasier
Freaks and Geeks
Friends
Full House
Futurama
Get Smart
Ghost Hunters
Gilligan's Island
Gilmore Girls
Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
Green Wing
Grey's Anatomy
Growing Pains
Gummi Bears
Gunsmoke
Hannah Montana
Happy Days
Hart to Hart
He-Man
Heroes
Highlander
Hogan's Heroes
Home Improvement
Homicide: Life on the Street
House
I Dream of Jeannie
I Love Lucy
Instant Star
Inuyasha
Invader Zim
Invasion
Hell's Kitchen
JAG
Jackass
Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
JEM
Joey
John Doe
Just Shoot Me
Keen Eddie
LA Law
Laverne and Shirley
Law & Order
Lexx: The Dark Zone
Life With Derek
Little House on the Prairie
Lizzie McGuire
Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
Lost
Lost in Space
Love, American Style
M*A*S*H
MacGyver
Malcolm in the Middle
Married... With Children
Matlock
Melrose Place
Miami Vice
Mission: Impossible
Moonlighting
Monk
Mork & Mindy
Murder, She Wrote
Murphy Brown
My Life as a Dog
My So-Called Life
My Super Sweet 16
My Three Sons
My Two Dads
NCIS
Night Court
Nip/Tuck
North Shore
Numb3rs
One Tree Hill
Oz
Perfect Strangers
Perry Mason
Phil of the Future
Pokemon
Power Rangers
Prison Break
Profiler
Project Runway
Psych
Quantum Leap
Queer As Folk (US)
Queer as Folk (UK)
Red Dwarf
ReGenesis
Remember WENN
Remington Steele
Rescue Me
Road Rules
Robotech
ROME
Roseanne
Roswell
Sabrina The Teenage Witch
Sailor Moon
Salute Your Shorts
Samurai Jack
Saved by the Bell
Scarecrow and Mrs King
Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?
Scrubs
Seinfeld
Sesame Street
Sex and the City
She-Ra
Silverhawks
Six Feet Under
Skins
Sliders
Slings and Arrows
Smallville
So Weird
South Park
Spaced
Spongebob Squarepants
Star Trek
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Star Trek: Voyager
Star Trek: Enterprise
Stargate Atlantis
Stargate SG-1
Superman
Supernatural
Surface
Survivor
Taxi
Teen Titans
That 70's Show
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Original)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003)
That's So Raven
The 4400
The Addams Family
The Andy Griffith Show
The Apprentice
The A-Team
The Avengers
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Bionic Woman
The Brady Bunch
The Chronicles of Narnia
The Cosby Show
The Daily Show
The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd
The Dead Zone
The Dick Van Dyke Show
The Famous Jet Jackson
The Flintstones
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
The Golden Girls
The Honeymooners
The Invisible Man
The Jeffersons
The Jetsons
The L Word
The Love Boat
The Lucille Ball Show
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Mighty Boosh
The Monkees
The Munsters
The Muppet Show
The Mythbusters
The O.C.
The Office (UK)
The Office (US)
The Pretender
The Real Ghostbusters
The Real World
The Sentinel
The Shield
The Simpsons
The Six Million Dollar Man
The Sopranos
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
The Transformers
The Twilight Zone
The Waltons
The West Wing
The Wonder Years
The X-Men (animated)
The X-Files
Third Watch
Three's Company
Thundercats
Top Gear
Torchwood
Twin Peaks
Twitch City
Two and A Half Men
Ugly Betty
Veronica Mars
Voltron
Welcome Back, Kotter
Whose Line is it Anyway? (US)
Whose Line is it Anyway? (UK)
Will and Grace
Wings
Without a Trace
Who's The Boss
WKRP in Cincinnati
You Can't Do That On Television

This Blog Entry Is Brought To You By the Number 8 and John Ritter

Here's some news that will make my best friend Lauren incredibly happy... ; 0 )

"8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter: The Complete First Season" will be released on August 7th.

Have a nice night, folks. I won't be online tonight. I work until midnight. Joy. : 0 p

Trip To Town

Just a quick note, as I'm dead tired. I spent all day in Philadelphia. I was supposed to be inquiring about jobs again, but I kinda got caught up reading books and browsing in the massive new FYE across from the Borders on Broad Street. The guy at Barnes and Noble wasn't sure if they were hiring; I'll return to both places in a week or two to inquire (and encourage) further.

Question Me An Answer

When a cashier asks you if you have any large items or anything under your cart, they are NOT doing this to accuse you of stealing. They ask this question because it's their jobs to ask. Many customers forget things in their carts, and especially items on the grilles underneith. I've been scolded about not asking for under-the-cart items twice in the past year.

This is the second time in the past week a customer blew up at me because I asked them about items under the cart. IT IS PART OF MY JOB TO ASK! I don't like it myself, but I don't really want to hear about it from my bosses. I have to put stickers on all large items, too. It's better than someone stopping you and asking you what's in your cart.

Crazy People

Not a whole lot to report today. I spent most of it doing the laundry and running quick errands in the neighborhood (returned books to the Oaklyn Library and bought lunchmeat from Doria's Deli around the corner).

Work was more of a pain. I had the usual obnoxious beginning-of-the-month people, especially towards the end of the day. Would it really kill people to bag their own groceries and not make their spoiled little 6, 7, and 8-year-old kids do it? And then not yell because the cashier and said kids put their things in brown bags? Not to mention be a little more considerate of other people who don't want to hear them yell at kids or wait all day because they just have to use one more coupon?

More Muppets, Please!

All right! It's about time Disney finally released the second season of "The Muppet Show!" I've loved my first season set. Apparently, the packaging will have a Miss Piggy theme this time (appropriate, as I believe "Pigs In Space" debuted in the second season).

http://www.ultimatedisney.com/index.htm

Good Thing Going

Yay! According to my sister Rose's scale, I finally lost two pounds! At the very least, it means this whole Weight Watchers thing isn't a lost cause.

Rose and I went to the massive Cherry Hill Mall to go shopping today. Rose and Mom have long harped on my clothes. I don't match well; I don't wear the right colors for my skin and hair tone; I don't take time to buy clothes that fit; I wear thrift-shop clothes that are out-of-date (but soooo much cheaper).

I hate clothes shopping. I hate trying on clothes. I want to look nice, but not fussy or trashy. (My chest is big enough without calling attention to it.) It doesn't help that current styles are not exactly in tune to my body shape, either. Fussy frilly straight skirts. Huge boot-leg pants slung uncomfortably below the hip. Smocking that only makes you look wider. Blouses with huge gaping collars and gathers at the chest that show off far more cleavage than anyone needs to show. Big, wild, psychadelic prints. Tiny tank tops. Ugh.

We tried Torrid, a designer shop that carries plus sizes, first. The boot-cut jeans fit all right. Rose said I actually looked good in the red swiss-dotted shirt with the gathers in the middle and the empire design, but it felt all wrong. Except for the colors; kudos to Torrid for seeming to base their entire spring line around cherry reds! (Red's been my favorite color since childhood.)

Old Navy proved a better fit. I ultimately picked up two good blouses in coral red and orange (the last time I was in an Old Navy, I got a similar styled blouse in yellow and turquoise) and a pair of brown shorts.

Rest of the day was much quieter. I went for a long walk through the park, up to the railroad tracks, and down Uncle Ken's street to West Clinton Avenue and up Manor to my apartment. Work was short (only four hours today) and though busy, not nearly as problematic as yesterday.

The Lady Is A Dope

A rather annoying day. It started out all right. I had a nice, quiet morning. I slept in and mostly just listened to music, including WOGL's Beatles show. I love listening to music. I stopped watching music videos towards the end of the 80s partially because I would rather create images in my head than see them onscreen.

Work, however, was a pain in the rear end. It's the beginning of the month, and I had the usual barrage of obnoxious customers. The woman who kept muttering noisily to herself was a particular pain.

I also somehow lost ten dollars. I think I put it in the till. I found ten dollars on the floor this evening. I put it in my register, assuming it was something I'd dropped from someone's orders. I never thought to check my pockets until I only had enough to buy three grapefruits and rather embarrassingly had to put back the rest of an order I needed.

El Partio Pooper

I mostly had a lovely day today. I went to the bank, then briefly met my sister Rose and her boyfriend Craig at the opening of the Collingswood Farm Market, a gathering of local farmers, bakers, florists, and craftspeople in the parking area behind Collingswood's main street. I bought radishes, honey, pumpkin butter, mushrooms, a red onion, and romaine lettuce, every last bit of it fresh and Garden-State-grown. It's soooo nice to have truly fresh, local produce again! (I'll still have to get apples, grapefruit, and bananas from the Acme, though.)

The Collingswood Farm Market wasn't the only thing beginning today. It would seem it's also the start of yard sale season! Five or six families a block down from me were having a massive multi-house yard sale. I picked up a Beanie Baby cat and three videos - "Care Bears II: A New Generation," "Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird," and the remake of "The Thomas Crown Affair."

I watched "Follow That Bird," then went for a walk. I stopped at an ice cream parlor around the corner from me that serves a low-calorie, low-sugar frozen yogurt. They'd just cleaned the machine, and it took so long, I got it for free! I went for a long walk to Audobon after that to visit Bob at the CD store Abbie Road, but he was out playing hockey. (Just as well. I've bought enough CDs lately. I really just wanted the walk.)

The real reason I took today off, though, was for my Uncle Ken's 70th birthday party. It was Mexican-themed (since today is also Cinco De Mayo). Most of the family and neighbors were there, and there was tons of food.

I felt shy and out-of-place. I didn't know anyone besides my uncle, father, stepsister, and a few assorted cousins and close family friends. Everyone had their own groups, and I didn't know how to start a conversation with the adults. I don't really know most of those people. It was hard not to pig out on everything on the table, too. Erica and her mom Miss Helen said not to let it worry me so much and just find someone to talk to, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. I just didn't know what to say.

Uncle Ken did like the extra-long barbecue tongs I gave him, though. I figure all men need barbecue tools.

Setting Goals

First of all, I'm cutting back on volunteering. I'll still help at the thrift shop, but for part of the day instead of the whole day. It's not that I don't like it, but I really don't need all the junk I buy there, there are other things I need to do on weeks when I only have one day off, and while I like most of the volunteers, I'd really like to do other things, too.

I really, really want to lose weight, and make sure it stays off this time. I'd like to lose at least 100 of that 240 pounds by the end of next year.

I'd like to, within the next two weeks, finally lose one pound.

Within the next two months, lose ten pounds.

By next fall, go on a job interview at a place that requires a suit and doesn't involve cash registers.

Try to look into other club options - reading, writing, swimming - by the end of the summer.

Try to eat more sugar-free and lower-fat foods. Not just regular foods that come in low-fat and sugar-free options, but foods that are naturally that way.

Read more about health, fitness, yoga, and diets.

I want to find an idea of what I want to look like. That may be easy for other people who know what it's like to be a normal size, but I've been overweight since I was about nine or ten. I have no idea what I'd look like as a thinner adult.

Prioritizing

After a bad Monday and a worse Tuesday, I'm trying to get back in gear. I did a lot of things today, things like cleaning the kitchen trash can (it did not smell great) and washing the deck furniture that I'd put off for a while but needed to be done. (It helps that this house/apartment actually has an outdoor hose that works, unlike the one in Wildwood.)

I need to get my priorities straightened out. I'm not the most patient person. I want to lose weight and look decent NOW. I want a real job NOW. I want a real life NOW.

I'm not going to get those things NOW, or even soon.

I know I'm getting older, and it's scaring me. I don't want to end up like the bent, frail older women I see in the Acme who can't even pick up their groceries. I want to carry groceries when I'm 65.

I need to get some kind of charity funding and go to the doctor's and the gynecologist. (I won't get medical benefits from the Acme until 2009.) And I desperately, desperately need to lose weight. I'm 240 pounds at 5 feet 4 inches. After three weeks of Weight Watchers, I'm still 240 pounds (as of Monday). Losing weight is very hard for me, especially since my hobbies are sedentary and I haven't played a sport since the two years I did field hockey in high school (probably the last time I lost more than, say, ten pounds).

I'm never going to get the confidence to get anywhere if I don't make some changes, but it's so hard to make them stick. Every time I've tried to change something, from my weight to my hair style, it'll work for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but then I'll get bored or frustrated, and everything will go back to the way it was before.

My psycologist won't be happy, but I'm going to stop looking into any kind of club, including church, which I have reservations about, anyway. I might ask about reading groups at the local library, and maybe in a few months, when I've gotten more used to it, I'll take a yoga or dance class.

Not now. I can't now. I can't face a group of people who'll stare at me and snicker. Just like when I was a kid.