Shades of Gray

Work was absolutely horrible today, and I was absolutely horrible at it. Nothing I did seemed to go right. People were cranky and upset, and I was cranky and upset. The lines remained long. Not only is it still the beginning of the month, but we're not out of the woods with the snow, either. We're supposed to be getting more - a lot more - starting Friday night.

I tend to be more frustrated with myself when I'm already tired and upset to begin with. Everyone says "don't be so hard on yourself!" It's just that when it happens, I don't see it as being hard on myself. If I was as smart as everyone says, would I have forgotten the stickers, bagged the wrong way, said the wrong thing, or given out the wrong change? Of course not.

There's something wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. If there wasn't anything wrong with me, why would I get so upset? I'd have more patience with myself if I'd just do normal things and not get upset around people.

The managers weren't happy, either. One called me mid-way through the day and gently asked me if there was anything the matter, because I seemed a bit slow. I told her about my toe. I thought that was the end of it, and I sped up as best I could after that. It wasn't. I was called into the manager's office after work.

Yes, they said all the usual things - "don't be negative around the customers." (But what if it's true, and I shouldn't have done all those dumb things?) "Don't be hard on yourself." (It didn't seem like I was being hard on myself at the time.) The one manager was frustrated because she thought I'd told people she was angry at me for getting me to speed up. (Actually, I thought it was another manager who had called me - I thought the other one was on the register at the time.) And I got told AGAIN to not ask people if they want the stickers for the free pots and pans and just give them to them. (But what if they don't WANT those stickers? I'm not doing that promotion, either. Not everyone needs more pots and pans.)

I held off until I got on the Black Horse Pike to cry. I cried all the way home after that, and then cried for another half-hour on the floor of my living room when I did get home. I wish I could have talked to someone, but there was no one at home to talk to. Everyone I knew was either at work themselves, or didn't want to hear about my work problems anymore. After all, I have a job. How can anyone who is working and has a job and is making money when the economy is so horrible have any problems?

My stomach is still in knots, I feel so horrible. I feel like a total idiot. Why can't I do anything right? What's wrong with me? Why do I fly off the handle like this? If I'm so smart, why do I do such dumb things?