Sweet Balance

It was wet and chilly when I started for yoga class this morning. It wasn't doing anything at first. I'd just ridden past the 7-11 on the White Horse Pike when I realized there were small, glittering flakes falling softly all around me. The cold morning had turned our snow into a spring flurry! It was very pretty as I made my way across Oaklyn and into Collingswood.

Despite the weather, the class was fully and busy today. We worked on hip-openers, deep bends, twists, and balance poses. It was frustrating. I couldn't lift myself into a shoulder stand like the rest of the class could, and I couldn't balance as well, either. When everyone else did shoulder stand, I found myself doing legs-up-the-wall.

It made me think. I had an image while we were meditating of a solitary child, in a field of flowers, running and laughing. She was carefree and happy...but she was alone. I'm still very much that solitary child. I'm free in many ways, and my freedom is precious to me. In other ways, though, I'm still that hurt little girl. The one who felt she needed to compete with her sisters and the other kids in school for attention and affection. The one who believed that nothing she did was ever perfect enough. The one who was told that she shouldn't cry when she's hurt, and that it's babyish to show pain. The one who thought she would be sent away to somewhere scary and bad if she did something wrong.

I'm proud of how I live now. I don't like my job and intend to find a better one, but I do have my own money. I rarely borrow money from anyone. I live the way I want to live, and I no longer care what others think of me. I'm not them. I'm tired of competing with other people for everything. I have my own opinions, and being quiet about expressing them doesn't mean they're not there. I'm not going to change just because one or two people are spoilsports. They live their lives, and I live mine.

There's still a lot of that hurt little girl inside of me, though. I've been working on healing her, on showing her that her emotions are ok. That growing up is supposed to hurt. That she doesn't have to go anywhere she doesn't want to. That it's ok to be different. The negative energy has just been there for so long, though, that it's been hard for me to work through these feelings. I'm doing my best. Writing in my offline journal and this blog has been a huge help; so have my walks.

My mind was still on these issues as I walked my bike down to the Collingswood Library for this week's volunteer session there. (I usually walk my bike in downtown Collingswood. The streets and sidewalks are too busy and narrow to ride.) There was a nice pile of DVDs for me to file and shelve when I arrived.

I just organized the "Television" section when the Library's Storybook Hour finished. I was flooded with requests for Strawberry Shortcake and Thomas the Tank Engine. I helped the kids and their parents as best I could, then went out myself.

Made a couple of brief stops on the way home, including WaWa for a Ciabatta Melt for lunch. I also checked out a new cupcake bakery across the street from Collingswood's City Hall. Their Medium Red Velvet Cupcake was tasty, and the college student who sold it to me was friendly...but at $2 for a medium cupcake, this place will be a once-in-a-while treat only. That's steep for something I could make myself.

I went out for a long walk when my hoagie was done. The clouds had started breaking up, and though it was still damp and cold, it was much brighter. The snow was long-gone. My mind was still on that morning, though. Though I really feel better about myself than I did at this time last year, a part of me still wants to be like everyone else and do what everyone else can...even though I know everyone's different and my body can only do so much. I really need to practice more, or maybe do some strength exercises at the apartment.

I spent the rest of the afternoon doing things around the apartment. I ran Two Mules For Sister Sara while working on Spiced Meringue Cookies. Two Mules is a gritty late 60s "spaghetti western" that made a star out of Clint Eastwood and proved Shirley MacLaine could handle action roles. Eastwood is a mercenary in Mexico during the Mexican Revolution, at a time when France had invaded that country. MacLaine is a nun traveling to help war-torn Mexicans. Eastwood is going to aid Mexican rebels invading a French garrison. He saves her from drunk cowboys, and the two find themselves riding together with the afore-mentioned mules of the title as they work on ideas to take the French out of Mexico.

You can guess the rest...or most of it. MacLaine turns out to be far from what she claims to be. I've never been a huge fan of the Italian oaters of the 60s and 70s, but this one is quite enjoyable. MacLaine and Eastwood work better together than you might expect. Actually, it reminds me somewhat of The African Queen moved to Mexico with a grittier feel, the French replacing the Nazis, horses instead of boats, and Mexicans instead of African natives.

I worked on Wishcraft exercises while the cookies were in the oven. Today, I made a flow chart of how I intend to start an at-home business and made a list of everyone I know who could possibly help me start said business and/or find a job.

Made vegetable-beef stir-fry for dinner while watching the end of Two Mules For Sister Sara and a somewhat related Get Smart episode. In "Viva Smart," the second episode of the third season, Max and 99 find themselves in a South American country that was just taken over by a very nasty dictator. They disguise themselves as flamenco dancers in an attempt to rescue the real president of the country...but they get in real trouble when the dictator sees through their ruse and has them jailed. Can they get the real president out of the country before they all find themselves in front of a firing squad?

Oh, thankfully, my meringue cookies came out beautifully this time. I let them cook for a little too long, but it doesn't seem to have impacted the taste that much. They're exactly like the meringue cookies that come in tubs at the Acme...and a lot cheaper!