Sunday, February 19, 2012

Cry for a Shadow

I slept in a bit this morning. Read The Secret Garden in bed while listening to the beginning of Brunch With the Beatles. George Harrison, whose birthday was in late February, was in the spotlight today. Along with the instrumental number that provided the title for this entry (the only song he wrote with John Lennon), we heard "Don't Bother Me," "Here Comes the Sun," "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Savoy Truffle," "Something," and "Tax Man." His solo numbers included "My Sweet Lord" and two favorites of mine, "All Those Years Ago" and "I've Got My Mind Set On You."

I had a long chat with Mom this morning about my recent difficulties. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm cut out for doing anything at home. I lack discipline. I had trouble doing research in college, both online and in the regular library, because I'd end up reading what I felt like and not what I was supposed to be researching! I'd look at one thing, and one thing would lead to another thing, and pretty soon, an hour or two would disappear without any real work getting done.

And I'm just nervous about the whole thing. I've worked in a grocery store for ten years. The only thing I really want is to get very, very, very far away from that job and have a day job that's closer to what I want to do while I get my business started. Trouble is, that job provides a steady paycheck and health insurance. I'm chained to that job. I live alone; no one else is paying for me but me.

And then, there's my inability to focus. I haven't finished a story on my own in ages. Almost every story I've ever tried to write has ended prematurely, either because I couldn't figure out how to continue, or I just lost interest. How can I be a writer if I can't finish anything?

Mom and Rose are always insisting that I think logically. I'm not a logical person. I'm an emotional person. I have no idea how to really make a strategy, or where I should go next. I looked up life coaches last night, but most of them cost over $100 a session! That's why I didn't do it last year. I really want to find someone I can discuss my job search with, but not if it'll break the bank.

Taking one of Mom's suggestions to heart, I went outside after we got off to sweep the porch. We should be seeing the last of them by the end of this month. I want to get outside more, but I have so much going on right now. It's hard to fit everything in. I want to go for walks and work on classes and go to the gym and do yoga once a week and write and work at the Acme and keep up my usual schedule.

I also tried calling my friend Pattie. I've put it off longer than I should have. I really hate phone conversations, though. I don't mind talking to Mom once a week, but I'd rather chat with someone online or see them in person. Alas, her answering machine was full. I couldn't even leave a message.

I went to work after that. Work was very busy tonight. People were in somewhat better moods, but I wasn't. I feel empty at work. Like I'm a machine who just pushes people's food through the line and takes their money, and that's all I do. I'm a robot, and I do nothing else. Other than the usual empty feeling, everything went fine. There were no major problems, and I left on my own, since my relief was the college boy who is always late coming from his other job.

Oh, and I did hear from Pattie when I got  home. She's not able to get together this week, but she says we might try next week. She owns a massage business, and I really need to talk to someone who'll understand how it feels to try to be your own boss.


what said...

Just wondering, have you ever considered medical coding?
Obvs, classes and certifications are involved, but it could be something you wouldn't mind doing.

This is horribly nosy of me, but I found your blog through x-e (randomly just clicking on commentors blogs) and I also found Mystie's blog that way. I mention her b/c I'm pretty sure that she is in the medical coding field.

Emma said...

Not nosy at all! Actually, it's a legit question. I did look into it for a while, but I don't know anything about medicine, and I thought it sounded like it would be, well, boring. I might take another look. :)