Thursday, September 20, 2007

A Change Would Do Me Good

But how would I continue it? Every time I try to change, everything always goes back to exactly the way it was before.

I move to a new place and a lovely apartment, but I still can't meet people or find a real job that satisfies me. I'm still haunted by the taunts of children and the ignorance of adults.

The thrift shop was a pain today. A stricter boss, a new manager, and some new policies have Erica and many of the regular volunteers in a dither. There are bags of toys and books sitting in the back room that no one has any idea what to do with and are considering throwing out. Yes, it clears out the front room, which WAS getting cluttered, but...most of that stuff isn't in bad shape. Shouldn't it be donated to the Salvation Army?

I'm giving serious consideration to dropping the thrift shop. I still like volunteering there and it looks nice on my resume, but it's not helping me meet people or find a job, which is what I really need to do now. The only thing that volunteering does is get me cheap junk, which I really DON'T need.

I'm going to give up on the Philadelphia bookshop branches as well. I went in Barnes and Noble again today. I wasn't going to go, but I wanted to remind them of my existence and that I desperately need a real job that I can really do without going crazy. I tell them I can do everything but the Cafe; I've never waited before.

What do they tell me? "There's openings in the Cafe."

Were they listening? I'm NOT a waitress! How could the restaurant be the only part of that store where there's openings? Don't they need even one stock person? Or someone to help with kids' programs? Or handle the front registers? I've been getting this same spiel for almost a year now. "Nothing open now. Come back in November/May/August. Come back when business picks up. Come back when the college students are gone." I've been back there many times, and nothing. How can a person apply for a store for over a year without even a hint of interest?

What's wrong with me? What is it about me that makes these people ignore me and my application? I've come to their store many times. I've bought stuff from their store. I've told them my qualifications. They know how badly I want out of the Acme. What do they want? Is it because I'm not a young college student? Is it because I'm not a sophisticated city girl? Do you have to live in Philadelphia to work there?

They've made it quite clear they don't want me. I'll bet I could apply there for a hundred years and be ignored. I'm tired of being rejected.

So...what am I going to do now? I really don't know. I'd like to work in media centers again. I'd like to be a children's librarian. I'd like to show children the magic of books. I want to show girls they can be strong and smart without sacrificing their femininity or relying on external beauty or a man. I want to write exciting stories about strong women; touching stories about overcoming bullies.

All my life, I've been told by friends and family there are things I can't do.

"You can't babysit during the day alone. You couldn't handle it."

"You can't work in a restaurant. You couldn't handle the crowds."

"You can't be a teacher. You can't handle the kids."

"You can't draw. You have poor hand-eye coordination."

If I can't do that and can't handle that...what CAN I handle? What CAN I do? What's possible for me?

All my life, everyone's always said I should be a writer. If I can't be a writer, what else is there?

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