Lilac Time

Front end head Donna called me around 8AM and asked me if I wanted to come into work at 12:30 instead of 2:30, as they'd had a call-out. That was fine. I really didn't have any major plans for today. It was still a little cloudy but warmer than yesterday, so I fooled around on the computer a bit after breakfast, then went for a walk up to the White Horse Pike and back. It's so beautiful in my neighborhood. All of the trees are in bloom, pretty shades of pale green and dark purple-y reds and bright pink and off-white. It's like walking through a rainbow. The dafodils are gone, but the tulips and lilacs are in full bloom. There's a huge lilac bush in front of the house, and I picked a few for the living room this morning.

I finally heard from Mom this morning, after missing her yesterday and Sunday. She's been mostly working on the new house. They're now doing the backyard and trying to start the driveway. She's also on the committee for the After-Prom Party at Lower Cape May Regional High School, which is what occupied her this weekend (and why I couldn't get her).

Mom said something this morning I hear all the time, but can't seem to filter - don't be so hard on yourself. It's a reflex action, I guess. I always feel so darn stupid when things go wrong, even when it's something I can't control. I get so tongue-tied and frustrated. I never know what to say to people.

That's why I have a hard time with groups. Strangers scare the heck out of me! It's one thing talking to one or two or three (or e-mailing them), but talking in a small circle of people who don't know you, who are staring at you and judging you...it frightens me (not to mention brings back too many bad memories of grade school and Special Services).

Work was on-and-off busy; the worst that happened was that "hard on myself" stuff gets worse when I'm tired.