"Tomorrow is a New Day, With No Mistakes In It."

I started off this morning with working on my resume. Or I tried to, at least. First of all, I couldn't find the disk my resume was on! I may have gotten rid of it when it quit working. When I couldn't find my old resume, I decided to make a new one from scratch on Microsoft Works Database.

That didn't work out very well, either. All I did was have an anxiety attack. Where did I begin? Should I list my volunteering? How would I explain the lack of jobs? I've only really worked four professional jobs since I got my working papers - the Acme, Stockton's Media Center in college, the office of Lower Cape May Regional's transportation department in the summer of my junior year, and the Special Services' School's library for one summer when I was 14. (The latter two were set up by a program in Cape May County that helps troubled or disadvantaged kids find summer jobs.) Would the Acme even give me decent references after all the trouble I've caused there over the years? Needless to say, I didn't get very far.

I decided a walk would clear my head, and I needed to get to the bank anyway. It was very windy here, and quite a bit colder. It's still not as cold as it usually is, though, probably in the upper 40s...though the wind made it feel worse than it was.

Surprisingly, the bank wasn't busy when I arrived there around quarter of 12. I guess everyone was using the window. I had a brief chat with the teller about my job situation and moved on.

I've been feeling more depressed about being stuck at the Acme lately...and it's starting to show at work. Trouble is, I have no idea what I want to do, or what I even CAN do besides work in a grocery store. I haven't worked anywhere but the Acme for 8 years, or where I want my life to go.

I mulled this over while I went on my walk. There were a lot of cop cars down by WaWa. I was afraid something had burned down again. When I got down there, all the buildings were still standing...but an electrical pole holding a solar panel had been blown down by the wild wind! It looked like the firemen and cops were assessing the situation when I passed by.

Stopped at Doria's Deli to talk to the owners and try to cheer myself up. Alas, the owners were talking to a customer. I bought a Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi soda and turkey for lunch and went home.

I never did finish that soda. Truth be told...it just didn't taste good to me anymore. I made too much oatmeal this morning, too. I usually eat a cup of oatmeal, but it was too much, and I had to throw some of it away. I really need to talk to the Pillar School of Dance, the dance school on West Clinton, too.

I made several decisions when I got in. First of all, I wanted to take some of the advice in the Younger By the Day book and start eating better. I've already cut a lot of junk from my diet, but I can do more. Granola bars, yogurt, and peanut butter are the big ones. I have a few recipes for power bars and granola bars, including Alton Brown's. I might look into those. As for peanut butter, after these last remaining jars are gone, I'll start buying the mix-up natural kind and just be careful not to make a mess of the oil.

Yogurt is going to be tougher. The good Greek yogurt is often far more expensive, and I have neither the money nor the room for a yogurt maker. I may just continue to eat the light cups and see what I can afford and what I have room for in the spring.

One of the big ideas in Younger is vegetarianism. I like chicken and beef too much to give it up entirely, but I can go easier on it. I can eat more fish, shellfish, and beans, buy the "Wild Harvest" organic chicken, and save beef for stews and an occasional steak.

Next on my mind was exercise and hobbies. I'm going to pursue dancing, walking, and crocheting at the moment. I would eventually like to learn sewing and woodworking, but I have too much on my plate at the moment, and both require a lot more time, effort, and tools than crocheting does.

I do want to eventually get out of the Acme...but every time I try to get out, all the old anxieties come back to the surface. What if I can't find a job? What if everyone is right and the economy has eliminated all jobs? What if my skills are useless? What if they take one look at my lack of experience and skills and fall over laughing? What if the people in charge look down at me?

Until I can get over these anxieties and decide what I want to do with my life, any attempt at "job searching" will be fruitless. I started to do the exercises in that Wishcraft book I took out of the Haddon Township Library last June, but didn't close to finish them. I re-read what I wrote and remembered that it was a big help and I've come a long way since then...but half of what I wrote no longer relates to my life as it is now. I'm going to re-do most of them on the computer, now that I can print things out, and type anything that still relates to now. Then, I'll do as many of the remaining exercises as I can until I can no longer renew it or I'm finished, whichever comes first.

I debated going to a life coach, someone who can help me figure out what direction I want my life to go in. Trouble is, it can cost anything from 70 to 140 dollars a session for what's essentially a short-term counselor. I just got away from that. I'm going to give myself until my birthday in mid-April and see how I feel. If I still lack direction by then, I'll use my birthday money and find a life coach.

My resolve made me feel much better. I felt really determined to do something for the first time in ages, and it carried over to work. I rode to work, despite the wind. I figured it would be at my back for most of the ride to work, which it was. If it wasn't going home...well, I could walk.

Work was quiet when I came in, but steady for most of the night. There were a few incidents. One woman threw a fit when there was no bagger to help her with her large order...disregarding the fact that the one bagger who was inside was returning cold items and helping someone else and all the other baggers were gathering carts. I didn't see why she couldn't bag herself. And another woman was one of those ladies who fills her cart, then figure out that she can't buy half of it; though she was nice about it, she held up a long line.

The Times They Are A Changin'

I had early (9AM) work today. We had some cranky customers, probably due to the continuing heat, but things were generally busy but not problematic.

I spent the afternoon watching the original 1988 Hairspray and working on little things on my computer. I'd only seen Hairspray once or twice on cable, just bits and pieces. Despite the PG rating, this is for slightly older kids than the remake (there's a rather weird zit-popping scene, a riot in an amusement park, and lots and lots of references to insects in the finale), but it's still fun. The original film has some interesting characters that didn't make it into any subsequent versions (the fathers of Amber Von Tussle and Penny Pingleton, the bigoted station owner) and a wonderful soundtrack of real 50s and early 60s dance hits (which I have on CD).

The other big news came towards the end of the day. I made my usual Sunday call to my mother in North Cape May. After almost twelve years in the same house behind the WaWa (and almost 30 years of renting houses in the Cape May/Lower Township area), she and my stepfather have finally decided to buy a house in the Villas area of Lower Township, near the Cape May County Airport. It's apparently a small, brand-new house in a quiet neighborhood where a few friends of Mom's live. They want to have everything done and ready by December, meaning they won't have the money to do Thanksgiving or Christmas at their house this year.

On one hand, I'm happy for them. I know Mom's been wanting to move out of North Cape May for years. The house they currently live in needs many repairs, the neighborhood isn't what it was when we moved in, and they don't really need and can't keep up with their huge yard. Mom and my stepdad are getting older, Keefe's only going to be around for a few more years (and isn't home much anyway), and little Skylar isn't around all the time.

On the other hand, this leaves me in a bit of a bind for the holidays. I've never spent Thanksgiving anywhere but with my family, and Christmas on my own did not go all that well last year. I really don't want to spend either by myself, but I may not have a choice if everyone else is busy.

This is when I really start to feel alone. I wish I could host Thanksgiving. I wish I had a family of my own to spend holidays with, so I wouldn't have to worry about going over to someone's house or the other and feeling out of place. Holidays weren't made for single people.

Prioritizing

After a bad Monday and a worse Tuesday, I'm trying to get back in gear. I did a lot of things today, things like cleaning the kitchen trash can (it did not smell great) and washing the deck furniture that I'd put off for a while but needed to be done. (It helps that this house/apartment actually has an outdoor hose that works, unlike the one in Wildwood.)

I need to get my priorities straightened out. I'm not the most patient person. I want to lose weight and look decent NOW. I want a real job NOW. I want a real life NOW.

I'm not going to get those things NOW, or even soon.

I know I'm getting older, and it's scaring me. I don't want to end up like the bent, frail older women I see in the Acme who can't even pick up their groceries. I want to carry groceries when I'm 65.

I need to get some kind of charity funding and go to the doctor's and the gynecologist. (I won't get medical benefits from the Acme until 2009.) And I desperately, desperately need to lose weight. I'm 240 pounds at 5 feet 4 inches. After three weeks of Weight Watchers, I'm still 240 pounds (as of Monday). Losing weight is very hard for me, especially since my hobbies are sedentary and I haven't played a sport since the two years I did field hockey in high school (probably the last time I lost more than, say, ten pounds).

I'm never going to get the confidence to get anywhere if I don't make some changes, but it's so hard to make them stick. Every time I've tried to change something, from my weight to my hair style, it'll work for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but then I'll get bored or frustrated, and everything will go back to the way it was before.

My psycologist won't be happy, but I'm going to stop looking into any kind of club, including church, which I have reservations about, anyway. I might ask about reading groups at the local library, and maybe in a few months, when I've gotten more used to it, I'll take a yoga or dance class.

Not now. I can't now. I can't face a group of people who'll stare at me and snicker. Just like when I was a kid.