Balancing Blues

Started out a lovely, sunny, windy day with this week's yoga class. I've been feeling a little down lately, and it carried over to the class and most of the day. I don't know if it's the weather, or if there's something wrong with me. I'm gaining weight like crazy - I'm back over 200 pounds again - and I just can't seem to get into anything. I normally don't have a problem getting into things, but nothing seems to have caught my interest.

Class helped a little. There were probably about 10 people, along with the teacher Karin. We worked on standing and twisting poses. I got confused with a lot of the standing poses, though I generally did better than I thought I would. I still can't hold bridge for very long or do shoulder stands, though.

I still felt glum after class. Browsing through the thrift shop didn't really help. I saw some records of mild interest, but nothing I absolutely needed to have. Volunteering at the Collingswood Library didn't really help, either. I once again shelved and put away DVDs, and the place was too busy for me to talk to anyone. (I also cleared out the book drop. I couldn't figure out how to open the one for the DVDs.)

Stopped at Doria's Deli on the way home from work for a Diet 7-Up, a roll for to make an Italian Cubed Beef Hoagie for lunch, and some chat with Mrs. Doria. I know she's right that I'm being negative about things, but I just can't help myself. It's hard to look on the bright side when nothing seems all that bright. I'm never going to lose weight. How could I have gained it all back? I'm so ashamed of and disappointed with myself.

I went online for a little while after I got home to try to cheer myself up, then made the Italian Beef Hoagie and celery sticks for lunch. It look longer than I thought to make, though, and I was almost late for work!

That wasn't a good thing. It wasn't too busy when I got in, but we had lines half-way across the aisles by the usual 4-6 rush hour. Not to mention, it's still the beginning of the month, and I had quite a few close encounters with grumpy old ladies who must have everything bagged EXACTLY the way they want it...or else. I'm really getting sick of that. They make such a fuss over nothing. Bag it the way you want, if you don't like what I'm doing. No one really wants my help, anyway.

On the other hand, I made a few interesting discoveries regarding work today. First of all, I got a call from the head front end manager Donna this morning. She wanted me to come in early tomorrow (which I can do)...and told me I have a second week of vacation that I haven't taken yet! I had no idea. Our vacation cycle ends in early May. I'm going to see if I can take the last full week of March off; that's when Rose's baby shower and my next counseling appointment is. If that's too soon for them to schedule it, I'll take it on the week of my birthday. This means I may be able to take two weeks this summer instead of the usual one, too.

The union was also giving out checks from the now-aborted strike fund. They'd finally made their peace with the company last night, so the extra money's no longer necessary. I figured it would be about $50 or so. It was $730. Wow! I'll do what I did at Christmas - put the check in my checking account and whatever I get from this week's paycheck in my saving's account.

All You Need Is Love...and "Friendship"

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day to all who celebrate it! I'm afraid I'm not really one of them. I guess I'm afraid to meet someone. I'm afraid they won't want me. What would a guy see in me, anyway? I'm not even sure I can love anyone that way anymore. It's been six years since I last went on a date or had a boyfriend.

I've been feeling a little depressed. Winter weather usually doesn't get me this way. I've been gaining weight like crazy, no matter how hard I try to be good about what I eat and use the right things in baking. I'm back above 200 pounds, and the weight isn't stopping. I'm going to gain back everything I lost, I know it. I wish I could remember what I did in the first place to lose weight. I thought I was doing everything right, but I'm obviously not.

I want to lose weight, but I can't stop eating. The weather hasn't been helping, either. I haven't been able to ride my bike in over a week, and I had to miss yoga last week. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, so I could start doing everything right again. I so badly want to do everything right.

Started the morning with Chocolate Chip-Cranberry Pancakes for Valentine's Day and a call to Mom. She was about to start baking Valetine's goodies for her husband, son, and grandsons. Cape May County once again received more snow than we did, and once again, did a poorer job of clearing it out. Mom says she and Dad are lucky they live on a street with many employees of the city who clear streets for a living and have their own backhoes...and even with them, their street is a thick sheet of ice.

(Which makes me all the more appreciative of how well Oaklyn's cleared their streets, including the side streets.)

Brunch With the Beatles was still running when I finally decided it was time to break up the ice on my porch, before we get more and I get hurt. I used my field hockey stick to smash apart the big pieces and swept it all away with my broom. Used the last of the regular salt on the porch - the steps are perfectly clear and dry. I figured I'd buy more salt at work.

(Incidentally, you probably won't be surprised to learn that the theme for today's Brunch was "Love Songs.")

I walked to work today. Dad said yesterday that he was taking Jodie to a winery, and I figured everyone else I know would have plans with their significant other, too. After all, I'm the only person on the planet with no one who loves them. It was a bright, sunny day, and not too chilly. Most of the sidewalks on Manor and Kendall were clear, but the ones on the Black Horse Pike are still covered with three feet of snow, and I had some nervous moments walking on the highway.

I did make it to work, and on time. Shockingly for a holiday, we were mildly steady but not even as busy as yesterday. It was really rather pleasant, especially when compared to the last few weeks. It was so quiet when I left, I was able to shut down with no relief.

I found out one of the possible reasons for the lack of crowds when I went digging around for salt and buttermilk after work. (I'd used up the last of the buttermilk on my pancakes this morning.) While we did have plenty of buttermilk, we were completely out of salt. The only salt shakers left on the shelf were small containers of sea salt and salt substitute and large boxes of kosher salt. Evidently, they still haven't completely restocked the shelves after all the delivery delays this week. Eggs are still gone, too.

I tried cheering myself up with a trip to FYE. They finally had the February WebKinz, and despite the Love Lion being on sale, the one I really wanted was the English Sheepdog, a fuzzy white and gray fellow with a sweet little smile and a really cute "pet item," a double decker bus. I also found a 1942 vehicle for Lucile Ball and Red Skeleton that looked like fun, Du Barry Was a Lady.

Walking home wasn't quite as much fun as walking to work. I thought Nicholson Road might have been better-cleared. Turned out it wasn't. A lot of the homes with houses whose sides faced Nicholson had only shoveled in front of their homes and not bothered with the side yards. I followed a lot of icy footsteps and dodged a lot of dirt-coated piles of ice. I tried ducking through a grove of pines between a house and an apartment complex whose sidewalks hadn't been plowed, but all they did was poke me. It was easier going when I finally made it to Oaklyn, but I probably won't go that way again.

I thought I'd try making myself a small, one-layer red velvet cake, replacing a half a cup of cake flour with whole wheat flour and adding more buttermilk and less I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Came out quite nicely, topped with a home-made whipped cream frosting.

I ran Du Barry Was a Lady while working on the cake. Technically an MGM adaptation of a hit 1939 Cole Porter musical, I bought Du Barry for a nifty cast that includes Lucile Ball, Red Skeleton, Gene Kelly, and Tommy Dorsey and His Orchestra, along with a very young Zero Mostel. Ball is a nightclub singer who wants to marry for money, but is really falling for charming dancer Kelly. Skeleton is the dopey hat-check boy who just inherited money and is using it to essentially buy Ball's favors, hoping she'll come to love him. 'Rags' Ragland is Skeleton's pal, Mostel is Kelly's, original deadpan snarker Virgina O'Brien is crazy about Skeleton, and Dorsey's just around for background numbers. Somehow, Skeleton is accidentally slipped a drugged drink and dreams himself into 15th century France. He's King Louis the 15th, Ball is Du Barry, and Kelly is now the revolutionary she loves...but she wants the King's jewelry, too.

No, it doesn't make a lick of sense, and Kelly and Ball are highly underused. There's some nice numbers - Kelly gets to sing a Porter ballad, and Ball and Skeleton duet hilariously on "Friendship" - but for the most part, this is one for the 40s time capsule. There's a lot of topical references (at one point, there's a complaint that most women are working in defense plants instead of nightclubs), and Dorsey's numbers are more there to show off the band than to advance the plot. Cute movie if you're into Porter, swing, the World War II era, or any of the cast, but far from essential.

Oh yes, and meet my WebKinz English Sheepdog Paul! Since I have my WebKinz Monkees, I thought I'd bring in a second WebKinz musical group. Paul is the first member of "The BeatleKinz," my WebKinz Beatles! While the Webbies favor their beachside Pad, the BeatleKinz prefer an urban environment.

Prioritizing

After a bad Monday and a worse Tuesday, I'm trying to get back in gear. I did a lot of things today, things like cleaning the kitchen trash can (it did not smell great) and washing the deck furniture that I'd put off for a while but needed to be done. (It helps that this house/apartment actually has an outdoor hose that works, unlike the one in Wildwood.)

I need to get my priorities straightened out. I'm not the most patient person. I want to lose weight and look decent NOW. I want a real job NOW. I want a real life NOW.

I'm not going to get those things NOW, or even soon.

I know I'm getting older, and it's scaring me. I don't want to end up like the bent, frail older women I see in the Acme who can't even pick up their groceries. I want to carry groceries when I'm 65.

I need to get some kind of charity funding and go to the doctor's and the gynecologist. (I won't get medical benefits from the Acme until 2009.) And I desperately, desperately need to lose weight. I'm 240 pounds at 5 feet 4 inches. After three weeks of Weight Watchers, I'm still 240 pounds (as of Monday). Losing weight is very hard for me, especially since my hobbies are sedentary and I haven't played a sport since the two years I did field hockey in high school (probably the last time I lost more than, say, ten pounds).

I'm never going to get the confidence to get anywhere if I don't make some changes, but it's so hard to make them stick. Every time I've tried to change something, from my weight to my hair style, it'll work for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but then I'll get bored or frustrated, and everything will go back to the way it was before.

My psycologist won't be happy, but I'm going to stop looking into any kind of club, including church, which I have reservations about, anyway. I might ask about reading groups at the local library, and maybe in a few months, when I've gotten more used to it, I'll take a yoga or dance class.

Not now. I can't now. I can't face a group of people who'll stare at me and snicker. Just like when I was a kid.