Thursday, May 03, 2007


After a bad Monday and a worse Tuesday, I'm trying to get back in gear. I did a lot of things today, things like cleaning the kitchen trash can (it did not smell great) and washing the deck furniture that I'd put off for a while but needed to be done. (It helps that this house/apartment actually has an outdoor hose that works, unlike the one in Wildwood.)

I need to get my priorities straightened out. I'm not the most patient person. I want to lose weight and look decent NOW. I want a real job NOW. I want a real life NOW.

I'm not going to get those things NOW, or even soon.

I know I'm getting older, and it's scaring me. I don't want to end up like the bent, frail older women I see in the Acme who can't even pick up their groceries. I want to carry groceries when I'm 65.

I need to get some kind of charity funding and go to the doctor's and the gynecologist. (I won't get medical benefits from the Acme until 2009.) And I desperately, desperately need to lose weight. I'm 240 pounds at 5 feet 4 inches. After three weeks of Weight Watchers, I'm still 240 pounds (as of Monday). Losing weight is very hard for me, especially since my hobbies are sedentary and I haven't played a sport since the two years I did field hockey in high school (probably the last time I lost more than, say, ten pounds).

I'm never going to get the confidence to get anywhere if I don't make some changes, but it's so hard to make them stick. Every time I've tried to change something, from my weight to my hair style, it'll work for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but then I'll get bored or frustrated, and everything will go back to the way it was before.

My psycologist won't be happy, but I'm going to stop looking into any kind of club, including church, which I have reservations about, anyway. I might ask about reading groups at the local library, and maybe in a few months, when I've gotten more used to it, I'll take a yoga or dance class.

Not now. I can't now. I can't face a group of people who'll stare at me and snicker. Just like when I was a kid.

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