Serene Balance

Started today with yoga class. It was full for the first time in weeks. I counted 19 people with me, my friend Pattie, and the teacher Karin. We worked on stretching, knee bends, and hip openers. I did as well as I could with my sore arms and hip leftover from my fall off the bike earlier this week.

Next stop was the Collingswood Library. As it turned out, there really wasn't much for me to do there. They already had a woman working on the DVDs. I went upstairs to shelve nonfiction, but there was only one of those. I ended up spending the next hour-and-a-half reading a coffee-table book on Broadway musicals that were adapted to film (from My Fair Lady to Hairspray) and a few self-help books.

Next, I went out to lunch at GrooveGround. It's expensive, but I figured it would be one of the few places in town that I could afford to eat at and not kill my diet. I had an omelet souffle with tomatoes, onion, Canadian bacon, and Swiss cheese and an iced tea. I ate inside, then enjoyed a pleasant half-hour reading and sipping my iced tea outside in their patio area between the GrooveGround building and the potted plants lining the blacktop in front of the landscaping company next-door.

It was a really beautiful day. The sky was one of the brightest shades of robin's egg blue I've ever seen. The few clouds were lacy white. It was warm without being humid, and windy enough that the heat wasn't overwhelming. (In fact, it might have been too windy, but on a hot day, that's probably a good thing.) I enjoyed my rare moment of peace. I'm usually running from one place to another, or worrying about not doing SOMETHING. At that moment, I realized that I was sitting on a patio, just reading a book about being positive and drinking iced tea...and I was ok with that. Even as I read about feeling serene, I found myself feeling it, and realizing it felt very nice.

My counseling session today was my last. One of the many things I've realized over the past couple of weeks is that it's time to let go of parts of my life that really weren't working anymore...especially ones that were costing me money for services I no longer really needed. I like Scott and he's done a lot for me, but I don't think it's been working as well for at least a year. I told him this after we discussed my very busy past month - the incident with that guy and being pushed too far, Lauren and Jen's visits, my decisions to finally make some changes in my life. Yes, I still feel anxious about being in groups. I'm hoping that joining a gym and taking classes there will help me with that.

Scott even tried playing matchmaker with me and one of his other clients whom he said was in a similar position to me, being shy and inexperienced in love. I said it was very sweet of him, but I don't think I can try actively dating again until I can love myself enough for a guy to love me, too. I added, though, that it was nice of him to try, and just him telling me that there's a guy out there who is going through some of the same things I am made me feel better. I've spent so much of my life feeling isolated that just knowing one other person is struggling the way I am makes me feel like I'm not as alone.

I have mixed feelings on leaving counseling. I like Scott a lot. It's nice to have someone to talk to. But in addition to everything I've mentioned, I've been going to counseling in some way or another since I was probably about six or seven years old. Maybe it's about time I counseled myself for a while.

I went straight home after counseling. I'd literally spent my last physical money at GrooveGround, and I don't have a lot in the bank, either. I spent the rest of the afternoon taking advantage of the nice weather to feed my baked good craving and make a cake. I added egg whites, black raspberries, buttermilk, and a little applesauce to the Duncan Hines Dark Chocolate Cake Mix and frosted it with Dark Chocolate Mousse with added powdered sugar and buttermilk. It came out quite nice and tangy, with a lovely tart sweetness from the berries.

I watched two of the Bowery Boys movies Lauren gave me on video a while back during the cake-baking and dinner. Crazy Over Horses got the Boys involved in a horse-racing scam. It was cute, but nothing dozens of sitcoms haven't done since then.

Loose In London is better. Horace "Sach" Jones is named the heir to a British lord. He, his best friend Terrance "Slip" Mahoney, two of their buddies, and soda shop owner Louie Dumbrowski take a trip across the pond to try to claim Sach's inheritance, before the Lord's scheming relatives do. This is the closest thing the low-rent Bowery Boys get to swashbuckling. Huntz Hall in particular has a lot of fun here as he tries to play the part of a British nobleman.