Everyone Says "Don't"

I woke up with just enough time for grits and a half of a grapefruit and some music before I headed out. Among the songs on Barbara Streisand's Back to Broadway album are two of my favorite Stephan Sondheim numbers, "Everyone Says Don't" (cut from Anyone Can Whistle) and "Children Will Listen" (from Into the Woods). "Don't" is encouragement to try, even when you might fall, and I could certainly use that right now. "Listen" is a lovely ballad about raising children, what you learn from them and what they can teach you.

Work was, once again, very busy. It was even nicer than yesterday, probably in the upper 60's. It was so warm, despite the wind, I was outside in my long-sleeved work shirt, and I was too hot. I spent the first half of my shift running around, bagging and doing returns. It wasn't too bad when I arrived, but by noon, people were starting to come in droves. I practically had to beg to go on break at a decent time. I'm glad I did, seeing how I was on my feet the rest of the afternoon. There were two baggers out with me, and we still had a hard time rounding up all the carts.

I was so pooped, I went straight home afterwards. Opened the window, changed into a t-shirt and capris, and worked on writing. Leia and her family are taken across the River Corel to the palatial home of Senator Mon Mothma, the main representative for the district. Mon Mothma is an elegant, outspoken older woman who is much-involved in Coruscant politics.

Also visiting her home are ruthless Coruscant military leader Governor Tarkin and Luke's guardian, handsome, roguish shipping tycoon Henry "Han" Solo. Solo turning down an offer to ship steel for a "special" project of Tarkin's when they arrive. While Mothma argues with Tarkin about the state of the roads, Luke helps Han to his feet. Turns out he didn't rise for the ladies because he couldn't. His right leg is crippled. When Aunt Breha makes a careless comment, Han gets defensive. Leia defends her aunt, and they end up arguing.

Broke for dinner around 6:30. I had leftover chili while listening to my Reader's Digest collection of various operettas. The swashbuckling Naughty Marietta, with its romantic old New Orleans plot, is my favorite of the three on the disc. There was also the Northwest Canadian adventure Rose Marie, and the bittersweet tale of doomed romance in old Europe, The Student Prince.

Read for a couple of hours before going online. Went over the Rogue One material first. It's...different, I will say that. I like that it has a grittier feel than most Star Wars media. One of the major complaints about the prequels was that there was too much of the Jedi and politicians and not enough "normal" folk, like Han and Luke's aunt and uncle. The recent Star Wars films have done much to restore this, including bringing Han back (if only briefly).

Also read You are a Badass, at least the first few chapters. I don't know why I'm so afraid of breaking out of my comfort zone. I've been hedging on things I should have done ages ago, like order that birth certificate, renew my non-driver's ID, make the list of needed improvements for Willa (she's the landlady, not Charlie - he just lives here), upgrade my cell phone, and get food stamps and rental assistance. I'm proud of being able to live on my own. I'm proud of my independence. No one during my childhood ever thought I'd be able to live independently. I just get used to things.

I don't know why I'm so nervous about going forward. I don't mind seeing a doctor, or getting assistance. I know it's important. It's just such a pain to deal with. I know paperwork is a part of adulthood, but I hate doing it. Part of me wants to run and hide and keep hiding, so the pain will all go away. The other half of me craves control over my life, but is afraid of what that'll entail. I don't want to lose what I already have.

My heart's been hurt for a long time. I feel like every time I open it, it just gets kicked again. There's still that little girl in my heart who is afraid that someone will come and take everything away, because she's weird and different and that's the worst possible thing anyone can be.