Blue Christmas

I did not have a good day. Again. First of all, my last batch of cookies, the Cherry Coconut Bars, didn't turn out right. They're supposed to be like lemon bars, but with cherry-coconut custard filling instead of lemon filling. Half the bars lost their pastry-parts entirely. They crumbled into a sea of crumbs when I tried to cut them. They were still edible and I was still able to give them out, but it was disappointing after the Molasses Roll-Outs went so well yesterday.

Second, it poured for most of the day. It was raining so hard by the time I had to go to work, I had to call Uncle Ken and Dolores for a ride. Dolores picked me up, but she reminded me that she's not always there, Dad's not always there, Jessa's not always there, Uncle Ken has cancer and can't drive on medication, and he feels bad that he can't help. I'm not going to always be able to call people for rides.

I wish I were smarter, or better, or had an easier time talking to people. I wish I had a real job where everyone carpools, like they do with normal jobs. I feel so guilty, calling people who have lives to drag me around. I felt so depressed at work for most of the night. Didn't help that I spent $40 on my grocery bill, even after the sales card and a few coupons.

Jessa was able to pick me up after work. I asked her if she knew what we're doing for Christmas Day. She has no more idea than I do. I'm afraid I'll end up alone for half the day, like I did two years ago. I suggested she and her best friend Brittany come over to my house for the afternoon, to watch Christmas specials and Disney movies. Jessa also suggested going over to Mark and Vanessa's. Both are ideas worth considering if we don't end up at a relative's house like last year.

I'm not thrilled with my schedule for next week, either. How did I get only 22 hours during the week of Christmas? Ok, I know we get paid for Christmas Day, but still...26 hours? I expected 30 or more. Plus, I'm off Monday and Tuesday in addition to Christmas Day, but Monday's our employee Christmas luncheon. I need to get items for the pudding pie I'm going to make a friend anyway, so I was thinking I'd ride to the Acme after Yogawood, get the pie stuff, and have lunch at the Acme.

Now I discover it may drop to as little as 21 degrees on Monday! Why can't Mother Nature make up her damn mind? One day, it'll be 50 degrees. The next, 30. This is ridiculous. And everyone keeps talking snow, though right now they're barely predicting a "wintry mix." And possible rain on Christmas Eve! I'll NEVER get a ride that day!

I wish everything could be like last year. Everything went so RIGHT last year! Why can't I make everything better? I wish I could get a real job. I wish I could make Uncle Ken better. I wish I had a family of my own, so I'd know what I was doing on the holidays, or a hundred friends in walking distance I could spend the day with. I wish the weather would cooperate. I wish I could make it all right.