I Like Dreamin'
I didn't get much done today. I was called in around 11PM, before I could go to the library. I finally decided I didn't have the time and tried to do job research instead. I ended up goofing off online, though I did do some research. Librarian jobs in general are faltering; a lot of people do their own research now online and don't need help. Children's and school librarians seem to be steady, though.
I wish meeting people was less scary. Maybe I'd be a real person by now, with a real life. I'd have pets or children, someone to love me, and a job I actually look forward to. I'd have friends who live here and are always there when I need them.
I'm just so tied up in knots. How can I write people I don't know? What would I say to the school librarians? Why can't someone in my family be interested in libraries? This was so much easier in high school and college, when I knew everyone. How can I talk to these people? They're so smart, and I never feel smart. Everyone SAYS I'm smart, but it always seems like I don't do the smart thing. If I'm so smart, why am I working at a grocery store, even though I went to college? If I'm an intellectual, why do I say such embarrassing things and trip over my tongue when I try to explain myself?
I feel like the only person who isn't doing anything. Everyone I know is busy with something except for me. The trouble is, I just can't see myself in a suit, going from huge office building to huge office building, trying to impress snotty old men in big leather chairs.
I want to work with children. I want to help people; REALLY help them, not just push their items through a line. I want to write and read and show people that doing those things can be fun and useful. I want to help some people at a time, not a hundred. I want to be involved with my job and not do something I've done so often, I'm just going through the motions and showing up because it earns me money.
I'm so scared, my stomach is in knots as I type this. I must sound like such a baby. Real adults know how to find jobs. They go to their family and friends and tell them that they're looking for a job, and then everyone passes it on until someone knows someone who can hire them. I'm too scared to know anyone. What if they don't like me because I'm different? What if they make fun of me? What if they hurt me? What if they laugh and don't want me there?
At least I know my stuffed animals won't hurt me. I adopted the free White Poodle I got for buying $10 or more of WebKinz items at Willie the Woodsman's WebKinz Party on Saturday. I finally decided on a name for her. She's named Blanche, which is French for "white." Blanche is Pet #25, so she came with a Super Bed. The Bed Of Roses I chose was so pretty, I did a whole "Summer Room" theme, surrounding the bed with the Red Roses vases and using beach, sky, and jungle themes for the remaining furniture.
I also adopted my Yellow Lab yesterday. His name is Nelson, after Nelson Eddy. I began a "Lab House" made up of the Dog and blue stripes theme that will be the home of all three WebKinz Labradors after I buy them.
For all my fussing, work ended up being steady until about 8PM, after which it was very dead.
1 comment:
Hon, I'm 52. I still trip over my tongue (which is why I prefer to write e-mails rather than talk at work; I've always written better than I've "spoken"). We read the poem "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" in school and I identified strongly with the line about "putting on a face to meet all the other faces." I think most people are doing the same. Many bullies are just shy people who cover their insecurity with aggression rather than withdrawal. I think you would make a SUPER children's librarian: you have a joy in books and can sympathize with the kids, especially the ones that are "bookish" and often teased. School librarian, even at the elementary level, is a different kettle of fish. I don't know if New Jersey does things differently, but school librarians here aren't just in charge of the library; they also teach classes. So you would need to research and consider that. Again, not sure how NJ does things, but in RI when I was out of work, I was sent to a job counselor. They gave me a test to see what jobs I would be good at. I have to be honest; it wasn't very good. But that was at the RI level, and we've always complained about state services. I'd see what NJ has to offer. Unemployed people take preference, of course. But see if that's a possibility anyway. Do you have extension courses where you are? We get flyers in the mail all the time from the city and the county for these courses ranging from Beginning Ceramics to Remedial Algebra. They almost always have a job counseling course that costs about $40. If there's something like that around you, or in Philly, it might be worth your money and one of your days off.
Post a Comment