New Attitude

I slept in, then started today's errands and chores. First stop was the bank to see if Nelnet had fixed the errant check. They hadn't as of 11:30, but they have until midnight. I'll stop back in tomorrow.

The next stop was the laundromat a block or so down from PNC Bank. Dad called me yesterday to tell me that his dryer was permanently dead and he had to get a new one that wouldn't come until Thursday. After the incident last week with the dryer and Jessa and the mall, I just didn't feel like waiting anymore or flaunting my father's generosity. It's nice of him to let me do it at his house, but with Rose doing baby clothes over there now and Jessa home from college, there's too much going on. I'm tired of waiting in line for machines that aren't even mine and trying to make everyone work around my schedule.

The laundromat was much smaller and cleaner than the one I went to in Wildwood. That one had been painted in dull shades of yellow and brown. The TV was always on Jerry Springer, and I frequently saw cockroaches skittering across the floor. The laundromat on the White Horse Pike used same washing machines and dryer models, but the colors were a cheerful, bright turquoise and white, with a really cool retro 50s pattern on the tables. I didn't see any critters that weren't human, either. Even the game shows and soap operas on the TV were an improvement.

They weren't even that expensive. The washing machine cost two dollars in quarters. The dryer cost three. A box of dryer sheets and a box of powdered soap were 75 cents each. Along with a can of soda, the entire shebang cost me probably about $6 or 7 dollars all together.

I had a lot of time to think while my laundry was in the washing machine and the dryer. One of the self-help books I took out of the library yesterday is called The Comfort Trap: Or What If You're Riding a Dead Horse?. Basically, it's on how to get out of "comfort zones" that don't work for you anymore, whether it's a relationship with someone, a job, or an addiction that isn't working.

I should have started doing my laundry at the laundromat sooner. I should have done a lot of things sooner...but I didn't. I'm so afraid of leaving my "comfort zone." I don't know what's out there. I need to get out of the Acme, but every time I look up jobs, I get overwhelmed. I don't know if I can work in another job, or if I'll be able to find one in an economy that everyone except for the media says is horrible.

I know I need to get out, but what I lack is discipline. It's why I can't finish a story or a project. I get all these great ideas, but I can't seem to make myself follow through with them. Same thing happens with work, too. They'll cut my hours, and I scramble to find jobs...then my hours will increase, and there's no reason to leave my "comfort zone" anymore. I need to admit to myself that, no matter how much they increase or decrease my hours, this job is never going to bring me the challenge or satisfaction that I crave, or make use of my skills, or help me meet people with lifestyles and interests closer to my own. It was supposed to get me through college, not the rest of my life.

I need a new vision of what I want and where I want to be. I keep imagining myself with a husband and a little girl and a huge circle of friends in a perfect town where I can talk to everyone and everyone understands me and no one will hurt me. I have a perfect library job, and plenty of time for everyone.

I know that isn't going to happen. Nothing's perfect. And as much as I'd like to have a family and a husband, I'm very reluctant to give up my freedom. I've worked hard to become independent, and any man who is interested in me is going to have to understand that. As for children, as much as I love them, I've seen my mother and sisters raise children, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of dedication yet.

I've also decided to drop counseling as of my next trip in June. A couple of people have mentioned this. Scott's a very nice guy, but it doesn't seem to be helping me anymore. Mom suggested finding a "life coach," someone who can talk to me and help me figure out where my life is going. Some kind of mentor might be worth looking into.

When I got home, I decided it was too nice of a day to spend the rest of it inside cleaning. I grabbed my new bike seat and basket and tried to put those on myself. I was finally able to get the basket on (after almost losing the top part with the screws in the massive leaf pile that's otherwise known as our backyard), but I don't seem to have the right size screwdriver for the bike seat. I'll either borrow one from my neighbor Michael when he gets back from his fishing trip on Friday or ask him to do it.

Spent the last few hours finishing Sam's scarf. It's uneven, but not too bad. I think I'll either make another scarf for one of the girls next or a hat to match Molly's new yellow floral dress. The only hats she owns are her rain hat and her blue felt beret, neither of which are appropriate for summer. I had leftover vegetable beef stew for lunch, then headed to work for my late shift.

Work wasn't too bad. It could have been a lot worse. It was steady, but not overwhelming. There were some annoying customers. One guy had to leave a quarter of his order when oops, he somehow thought you could buy $60 worth of groceries for $30. I also caught two of those people who sell sale items to the chop shops in Camden trying to buy two carts filled with bottles of soda and packs of soda bottles. They were allowed to get four and the 10 for $10 soda sale. No more, and I told them as forcefully as I could and not be rude about it.

My biggest problem with late work isn't the work. It's getting home. It's a little nerve-wracking riding home that late. Thankfully, the streets were pretty clear by 10, both on Kendall and the Black Horse Pike.