Circle Sky

I got up so late, I had just enough time for breakfast and two Hello Kitty Furry Tale Theater cartoons before hurrying off to the laundromat. Tuxedo Sam turns leading penguin in these two action-packed stories. He's "Peter Penguin," who recruits Kitty and Chip to help him save Melody-bell from the evil Captain Catnip! "Tar-Sam of the Jungle" has him, Chip, and Kitty Jane swing into action when poachers Catnip and Grinder try to ape-nap his adopted gorilla family.

Rushed out to the laundromat as soon as I finished eating. I got lucky that they weren't busy. Even with the extra two days, I still didn't have that big of a load, anyway. I spent the time writing the first draft of a job proposal...and then writing down all the negative feelings that came up as I composed the proposal.

As soon as I got home, I put everything away as quick as I could, then rushed back out. Even with the hurry, I was still twelve minutes late at counseling. Unlike last time when I had trouble with my bike seat, I was more annoyed with myself than angry or upset.

Between the nice weather we've been having, Dad feeling a bit better, and having finally talked to Rose and settled a few things, I'm generally a bit more optimistic than I was at this time last month. First of all, as I mentioned, I'm not going to be going anywhere for a while. There's too much going on to even consider moving right now. I still want to leave, but it likely won't be until next winter at the earliest.

 I have other things on my mind, anyway. Mom sending me those pictures last month has me thinking backwards and trying to figure out how to heal a wounded and frightened inner child. I have no idea how to deal with anything. Every time anything went wrong with me as a child, I was always pulled out and put somewhere else. In fifth grade, when the kids bullied me, I was allowed to go to the kindergarten and first grade classes and help out with them, so I wouldn't have to deal with them. They put me in the Special Services Middle School so I could learn to deal with my problems...but while I did like some parts of being there, I still made few friends and mostly felt isolated. I've always wondered what would have happened if I'd just been left to "duke it out," as Mrs. Stahl put it.

That little girl in me is utterly terrified. No matter what the adults tell her, she can't help feeling scared and angry. She doesn't belong anywhere. The kids call her stupid and fat...and what if they're right? She's scared that everyone will leave her in the end, just like her fathers and all her friends. The Coast Guard Base at Cape May was where more than half of the students at Cape May Elementary came from in the 80's and early 90's. Like most military families, they'd be there for a few years, and then they'd be gone again. I'd try to write them, but in the pre-Internet era it was hard to keep track of families that were constantly moving.

Mrs. Stahl said that the proposal I wrote was a good start. Now I just have to refine it and try to send it. I don't know if I can. I know I shouldn't be scared of getting a job. It's silly and childish. Once again...while I know I can write, I don't know how well I can really promote myself.

It was past 3 when I went down the street to Starbucks for a quick, late lunch. Despite the place being busy with kids out of school, the line wasn't bad. I ended up trying a Macha Green Tea Frappuchino and a "protein and fruit" tray with hard-boiled eggs, slivers of cheese, grapes, slices of apples, a round of raisin and grain bread, and a squeeze container of peanut butter. It was quite tasty, especially the bread and peanut butter. (The Frappuchino was pretty good, too. Sweet and very tea-tasting. I might have to dig around for real matcha tea sometime.)

At least the weather was nice for a ride home. Spring has arrived in South Jersey, bringing lavender and white crocuses and brilliant yellow daffodils to every garden. New grass and tiny white wildflowers sprout up along curbs. While it was breezy and a little chilly, it wasn't anything near as bad as it was last week. In fact, my apartment was a bit warm when I arrived. I ended up opening two windows.

Worked on writing for a while after I got in. Luke brings the truck around to his Uncle Owen, who owns a furniture store. He wants Luke to study business and take over his store, but he's more interested in cars and comic books. They're both quite surprised when Rudy and Charlie pop out of the back of the furniture van and ask them the way to the comics shop on Kirby Street. Luke, a huge comics fan, offers to take them there.

Broke for dinner at 7. Had leftovers while watching the next episode of Man from Atlantis. Mark finds himself on a "Scavenger Hunt" when he ends up on an island populated by extremely stereotypical natives, including their hulking chief (Richard Kiel, of James Bond villain fame). Also on the island is Muldoon, who managed to escape the wild-west giant and is now using a sea monster to bring him pearls and pretty girls, while making the natives believe they're being sacrificed to him. Mark's more interested in the deadly canisters also brought up by the monster than in Muldoon's antics.

Made my own granola bars with whole wheat flour, oats, dried cranberries, butter, an egg, honey, and chocolate chips while Man from Atlantis was on. The bars fell apart when I tried to cut them, but they still tasted pretty good.

Finished the night with the supremely weird Monkees film Head in honor of Peter Tork, who died last month. I go more into this surreal bit of rock and roll mayhem at my newly-revamped Musical Dreams Movie Reviews blog.

(And a big "bravo" to my friend Linda Young for her wonderful work on the new lettering and backgrounds!)

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