Where I Belong

Started off a cloudy, humid morning with breakfast and the last half-hour of The Scarlet Pimpernel. Didn't really have the time for pancakes, so I just had cereal and strawberries. To my frustration, the Coconut-Caramel No-Bake Cookies didn't set and fell apart when I pulled them off. They're more like coconut-caramel granola. I think I added way too much milk.

Left for work shortly after the movie ended. Work wasn't too bad when I got in, but it picked up and was on-and-off steady for most of the afternoon. There were times I just couldn't get things right, but most people seemed to take it pretty well. I managed to get out without too much trouble.

Part of the reason we slowed down so quickly was the weather. It was cloudy and humid when I rode to work this morning. By the time I was on break, it had started pouring. Thankfully, the rain had slowed to spitting by the time I headed out. The showers just started again as I made it home.

Changed and went online when I got in. I'd been on the computer for about an hour or so when Rose called. She wanted to know when I could get together with her to sign those papers about my inheritance from Dad. I suggested my days off, then told her about wanting a house.

She told me the same thing Lauren said the other night. Owning a house is a lot of work. There's a lot of bills to pay for, and a lot of taxes, and it requires upkeep I'm not sure I could do on my own.

I just...I don't know what I want. I spent an hour and a half trying to explain that to Rose. I thought I wanted a house. I want a place where I can write in peace and quiet with no more dealing with landlords and anyone's rules besides my own. I just can't talk to her. When she asks me questions, I go blank and don't know what to say. I feel bad about not doing better with finding jobs, too. I should have pushed for a better job ages ago. Every time I think I've found something, it's not right, or I'm not sure I can do it, or I get nervous and realize what a stupid idea it is. Rose says I should ask for help, but I feel bad about not doing better about being independent.

I'm so scared. Where will I go after Jodie puts the main house on the market in January? I'm not going back to Cape May, like Rose seems convinced I should. I lived there for 24 years. I don't want to live there again. I don't belong there. Trouble is, I can't afford to live here, either. Where can I go? What's the right place for me? Where do I belong? I have no clue.

I finally told her around 6:30 that we could call tomorrow to try to figure out when to sign those papers. She just let me off. I still felt horrible. I never even got to writing. Made scrambled eggs with black bean dip, spinach, and cheese just to have something for dinner. I wasn't really that hungry.

Listened to my British Desert Song Angel record. I desperately needed a shot of "Romance." Pierre Birabeau is the son of a French general in North Morocco in the mid-1920's. He's branded a spineless coward and dandy after he refuses to attack a remote outpost. Spirited Margot Bonvalet doesn't think much of him, and her fiancee Captain Paul Fontaine thinks even less. Pierre is in reality the Red Shadow, who leads the Riffs against the French in North Africa. Reporter Benny Kidd  smells a story, but he's too busy trying to dodge Margot's amorous friend Susan to do a lot of investigating.

Yes, it's corny, but it's the kind of corny I love. There's some classic ballads here, including the title song and "Then You'll Know" for Pierre and Margot, "One Alone" for the Red Shadow, and "One Flower Grows Alone In Your Garden" for his lieutenant Sid El Kar. This recording also includes Bruce Forsyth singing two comedy numbers from the show that are almost never heard today, "It" and "One Good Boy Gone Wrong."

Finished the night online with Match Game PM at Buzzr before tonight's syndicated Match Game premiere at YouTube. These two episodes were enjoyable ones from 1980, after the show already went into syndication. The first pit a handsome Navy officer against an eager Middle Eastern woman. The lady didn't seem to grasp the matching concept that well, resulting in several jokes about bad answers. Brett and Rita Moreno happily flirted with an older nutritionist who taught exercise classes in Waikiki in the second.