Saturday, April 21, 2007


Now that I've had my shopping spree, eaten my birthday cake and Easter candy, finished my spring cleaning, and joined Weight Watchers, I'm trying to enjoy the fruits of my labor...literally, considering the small bowl of fresh fruit I snacked on at the Acme tonight.

Making changes is very, very hard for me. It's probably one of the big reasons I don't get out more or search harder for a job. I don't like the Acme job, but it makes money and I've done it for a long time, so I'm used to it. I don't like it, but I'm used to it. Chasing jobs all over the place is not fun, and how do I know I'll get a job, anyway, and that it'll pay me enough to live when I do, or that it'll be better than my current job? How can I talk to people I don't know during an interview? What if I make a fool of myself? How will I get to work if it's not in the area and no one is willing to give me a lift? I can't make a car out of thin air.

I've tried to diet before. I've dieted. I've exercised. I walk everywhere, but I'm a slow walker who would rather be walking to get somewhere than just walking. I ride my bike, but I'm so slow I end up pushing my bike up the hills here. And what happens when I just get hungry? I can't help getting hungry. I like making baked goods. Once again, it's something I'm good at.

And where am I going to go when I'm not religious or a drinker? I'm not what you'd call garden club material. I've tried attending church, and I feel out of place. I've tried singles bars, and I feel out of place. No one notices me when I walk into local coffee bars; they all have their own groups of friends with no place for me.

It's so, so hard for me to change my habits. I panic and get upset when I do something wrong because I've always paniced. I know I shouldn't, but that's what comes out. It's what I've done since I was little. I can't help it. It just happens.

I want to be treated like an adult, to be taken seriously. Why does everyone laugh when I say I'm looking for a real job? Is it really so hard for people to believe? I can't help that I look like a five-year-old in a fat woman's body.

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