Thursday, August 15, 2013

Letting Go Of Perfect

Today was my early work day. It was so nice today, I wish I'd worked later. It was too nice to be in work for most of the morning and afternoon. Our customers realized this, too. It was only busy during the rush hours. I did pick up a bit later, but was never overwhelming. There were no major problems, and my relief was on time.

I went straight to America's Best after work, dodging the constant traffic in the shopping center behind the Acme. I've put off ordering my contacts because I either don't have the time or don't want to deal with the traffic in the back of the mall or both. I really couldn't put it off anymore. My last pair is down to their second week.

I was shocked when my debit card just would not go through. I could have sworn I had enough money in my account! I called PNC...and sure enough, no, I did not. I couldn't believe it. I thought I learned my lesson about being a spendthrift last year. I did have money in my savings account. I had to tell them I'd come back tomorrow or next week. Even though they said it happens all the time, I was still mortified. I should know better by now than to spend all my money.

I checked PNC as soon as I got home. Andrew had cashed my rent check a few days ago, which I did not expect. It usually takes him anywhere from five days to two weeks to cash my rent check. I was hoping he'd wait until I got my next paycheck, which will be tomorrow. And then, I bought things at CVS and online. I'm so wasteful. I have to stop buying things I don't need again and restrict myself to buying only what is necessary until I can build up my checking account again. (At least I still have money in savings. At this time last year, I was taking money out of savings to pay my rent.)

One thing I definitely needed was a bath. I went right into a long one as soon as I finished on PNC's website. I soaked my sore legs and feet for over an hour and a half while reading The Gifts of Imperfection. I really kind of fear imperfection. It's hard to open my soul to that kind of hurt and vulnerability. I feel like every time I have, my soul has just gotten trampled on. I wish I knew a way to do "meaningful work" and make money and open my heart without it being criticized and scolded for not being better and trying harder.

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