Thursday, January 27, 2022

What's Right for Me?

I awoke to a phone call. I read in bed for a little while before I felt up to dealing with Rose. She reminded me that I only have a month left to find an apartment, and so far, I have not been successful. She's still bound and determined for me to move in with Mom, even just for a few months. We'll take care of each other...and more to the point, she won't have to take care of me. She insists I could find online work anywhere. Neither she nor Jodie can co-sign for me, as they don't have jobs or regular incomes. She also wants me to either transfer or take more time off work to find a better job.

Called Mom after I wrote in my journal. I'm afraid I can't move in with her. Mom's lease doesn't allow anyone but her to live there. Not only that, but she doesn't intend to say there very long. She's hoping to move down to Virginia to share a house my brother Keefe and his wife. She doesn't have a job and can't afford to live in New Jersey, either. 

I was tired of sitting around and thinking and being frustrated and angry, even though Mom says I shouldn't be spending money right now. I intended to take myself out to breakfast on New Year's Eve or Day like I used to, but between being busy and being sick, there wasn't time. Rode up to the Legacy Diner in Audubon for brunch. Their Apple Cinnamon Pancakes were too dry, even with the apples, and they forgot the syrup and almost forgot the whipped topping. The latter did help somewhat, and it was food anyway.

Took advantage of a nice day to run errands at Dollar General on the other end of the White Horse Pike. Despite it being noon, they surprisingly weren't that busy. I bought sugar and muffin papers and finally remembered sponges...but forgot Liquid Plumber, which was the other thing I was there for.

Went straight home after that and right online after I put everything away. Rose called before I'd barely turned on the computer. She was absolutely furious with Mom, accusing her of being selfish for not taking me in or doing more for me. She said she was done with me and refuses to aid me further or have anything to do with me. She has her own problems to deal with.

Mom called almost seconds after I got off with Rose. We're both pretty fed up with her, too. I appreciate the legal counsel, her getting me the extra two months, and steering me to Anthony Pezzelle...but she has the same problem as Jodie with ignoring what she doesn't want to hear. I can't move in with Mom because she doesn't want to deal with me, and I can't move in with her because Jodie doesn't want me here. That is not the way the world works. 

And I'm a little fed up with both of them. Yes, I appreciate what they have done for me over the years and the support they've given me. On the other hand, if I had a dime for every time one or both of them claimed they'd do something, then forgot, put it off, or suddenly didn't have the time, I'd actually be able to afford an apartment here. And often when I did finally get them to do it, they'd complain I should be doing it myself. Everyone in this damn family has either ignored everyone else's problems when it didn't suit their agenda or turned it over to another family member to deal with...and now there's no one left who's willing or able to handle those problems. 

And I am sick and tired of all the mothers and daughters with children being at each other's throats. I want them to GET ALONG! I've been tired of it for most of my life. Mom's always fought with Anny, and she's had her moments with Rose, too. Jodie is actually friendly with Anny (they became Facebook buddies after Rose's baby shower in 2017), but apparently she and Rose have been at odds for years. It's frustrating and annoying when you're being pulled in three different directions, and everyone wants to do what they want without considering anyone else's feelings. No wonder Keefe moved to Virginia and Jessa refuses to come near anyone in the family but me. 

And I can't help feeling guilty, even though the one thing they all agree on is that this isn't my fault and I've done everything I can to get out. If I hadn't insisted on moving to Dad's house during a world-wide pandemic, especially knowing how sick he was, a lot of this wouldn't be happening. If I found a real job years ago, I'd be able to afford an apartment. 

We talked for so long, it was 2:30 before I could look for apartments. Nope, still can't find anything anywhere. Cape May County is even more bare of apartments than here, and I suspect it's not entirely because it's the off-season. They have even less housing stock than we do. 

I also texted Jessa, asking her if we could get together sometime next week. I really need to talk to someone in the family who isn't frothing at the mouth right now, and she's the only other person in the family who lives in the area and has a job. Two, actually. I'll give her more details when I get my schedule tomorrow. 

Broke at 3:30 to try something. Four thick slices of chocolate cake were getting stale in my refrigerator. Instead of letting them go to waste, I mushed them into crumbs, mixed them into butter, and baked them as a crust for the cherry pie filling and Cool Whip I bought last night. It actually didn't come out too badly, very chocolatey and not too sweet despite the cherries and chocolate. 

Watched American Pop on TCM as I worked. I go further into Ralph Bakshi's adult animated epic about four generations of a family bent on show business success at my Musical Dreams Movie Reviews blog.

Slid chicken legs in the oven to bake before I went back online. I originally intended to write, but I couldn't concentrate. I ended up doing research on neuropsychologists and what they do and cognitive behavioral therapy instead. Neuropsychologists apparently find and treat brain disorders, and cognitive behavioral therapists work with people to change those brain patterns. I don't think there's anything wrong with me besides social awkwardness and being stuck in my habits, but it couldn't hurt to try it.

Watched Match Game '78 while having chicken legs and steamed broccoli with cheese for dinner. It was music and mayhem tonight as an older woman's choir the Sweet Adelines serenaded everyone from the audience. Later on, Betty White performs a bit of "Sweet Adeline" with Gene and Gary Burghoff and scolds Gene for swatting a fly and Charles is so moved by the earlier song, he has a hard time figuring out the Audience Match "Girl Scout ___."

Mom called as I finished the dishes, wanting to know if I'm all right. No, I'm not. I don't know what to do. She thinks I should get a second job, but I'm not sure about that. I can barely handle the one I have. Trouble is, there may be no other way for me to make enough money for a second apartment, or at least to please the landlords and convince them I have the necessary income. 

She also asks me if I think she's selfish for not taking me in. No, I don't. I think she's being honest. I saw her house when Anny's family lived in it. It's tiny. Mom says Anny and her family were so rough on it when they were there, the landlord won't let her have any kind of guests for more than a few days. 

And I can't blame her for wanting to leave South Jersey. I want out of this area too. Trouble is, unlike everyone else I know, I have no one I can move in with. My three best friends live with their parents and are nowhere near me. Lauren's area is lovely, but it has a lot of the same problems as Cape May, from a seasonal economy to overpriced housing that's hard to come by. I'm proud of Amanda for landing a better job she enjoys, but her parents' house in Vineland is barely big enough for the three of them. Kelly's taking care of her ailing father in an apartment in Wildwood that once again is big enough for them and not much else. 

I really and truly don't know where to go or what to do next. I wish I knew what area would be right for me. Chicago? Boston? Go back to Ft. Lauderdale and revisit my roots? Join Mom, Keefe, and her family in Virginia? I just don't know. 

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