Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Something That I Want

I didn't mean to sleep as long as I did. I set my alarm, but I forgot that it was on 8:30, not 7:30. I wanted to get to the Haddon Township Library first, then head to counseling in Haddonfield at 1. I didn't get out of the house until past 11...and then I had to turn around, because I forgot the folder with the positive music project I'd been working on for weeks. By the time I was at WaWa to use the ATM machine, I'd decided to hold off on the library until later and just go straight to Haddonfield.

While getting there was a challenge, it wasn't as bad as the last time I rode up there on a very cold day after a snowstorm. It was freezing, in the upper 20s, but there was no wind, and the sun felt warm. The sun helped melt a lot of the ice that made riding up there so difficult the last few times I went. The streets were still a mess, though, especially in Haddonfield and Westmont. Road repair on Crystal Lake Road, across from where the Thriftway used to be, didn't help.

I made it to Haddonfield around 12:20. That gave me plenty of time for a fast lunch at Amino Burrito and Juice Bar. I kept the burrito simple and went with "The Quick Chicken" petito - chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, onion, house vinaigrette, and guacamole. Since this is citrus fruit season, my juice was "The Last Mango" - mangoes, bananas, and oranges. Both were very tasty. The petito (small sized burrito) was a little messy, but the lighter dressing added zing to a simple wrap. All I got from the juice first was tartness, but as I continued in it, I think I got to the sweeter bananas.

After ducking around the snow in front of Haddonfield's Borough Hall, I made it to Mrs. Stahl's office right on time. I turned over my music project and told her about my long month, dealing with the weather, buying my new doll, and the craziness at work.

Mrs. Stahl pretty much says I won't get much further if I don't accept who I am...and I can't figure that out until I really do figure out what's wrong with me. I don't know why I act the way I do. I know there's something wrong, but not what. "Emotional special needs" says nothing. I feel like a freak because there's no label for me. What is keeping me from finding a fitting job? It can't be working in a grocery store. It just can't be. I'm so unhappy there, but no one understands. I have no support there, no one I can talk to who knows how I feel. They're nice, and they're helpful, but they aren't like me.

They couldn't figure it out when I was a kid. I was sent to people in Cape May County, in Philadelphia, in Camden County. They all said "she's smart, but doesn't get along with her peers." Gee, great, but why couldn't I get along with my peers? I wish they could tell me something specific. No one ever did, not as a kid, not as an adult. They didn't tell me in Special Services or in high school. The two psychologists I saw as an adult couldn't figure it out, either. My parents tend to treat me like I'm a porcelain doll who'll shatter if I'm hurt in any way. Mom didn't tell me some things about my family until the last few years.

Mrs. Stahl said that I need to call the Acme's insurance company and see if they'll foot the bill for a neuropsychologist - someone who can give me tests and evaluations to determine what is really wrong with me. I just want to know how I can get around it, or eliminate it without chemicals, so I can get on with my life. I'll never get anywhere unless I know what I'm up against.

The other thing she wants me to do is more research on religion. I have tried that. I just don't know where to begin. Faith is a scary thing for me. I really don't understand it. I took out a book on world religions last year, but even though it was supposed to be for kids, it got me so confused, I never finished it. Mrs. Stahl said to look up non-denominational religions. I don't even know what those are.

Went straight down to the Haddon Township Library after leaving Mrs. Stahl. I took the same way I went there. The streets were slightly better, thanks to that sunshine, and the sidewalks in sunny places were mostly clear. I had no problems getting to the library.

It was almost 3 by the time I finally made it in the door. The Library was very busy with school kids and high schoolers doing homework and research. I just organized the kids' DVDs and shelved a few adult titles. Helped a couple of kids find DVDs. One girl wanted princess tales; an older boy requested one of the Penguins of Madagascar titles. Didn't take anything out myself this time. What I took out of the Oaklyn Library was fine.

Made a short stop at Thriftway after work. I needed those cheap brown eggs, and I wanted something for dinner. I saw shredded cheese on sale for $1.99 and thought I'd make pizza. I was going to use those tomato pies they had a couple of weeks ago, but I couldn't find them, not even in their new cafe section as you enter the store, next to the produce. I decided I'd just make my own dough.

Went straight home after I finally made it past rush hour traffic on Cuthbert Road. It was quarter of 5 then. I made the pizza dough and set it to rise, then went right in the bath. It felt so nice and warm after my long ride. I read Women Who Run With the Wolves and listened to one of my Unsung (Irving) Berlin CDs.

I layered the pizza crust with olive oil, tomato sauce, cheddar and mozzarella cheese, spinach, onions, and mushrooms and had Vegetable Pizza for dinner. Ran the Faerie Tale Theatre "Thumbelina" as I ate. Carrie Fisher is the diminutive child born from a flower, who keeps being taken by one inappropriate animal or another. A toad wants her to marry her son, then a field mouse wants her to wed his stuffy friend the mole. Thumbelina's human - she's not suited for either of these creatures. A swallow finally helps get her to his friend the King of the Flower Fairies (William Katt)...and Thumbelina finally finds a place where she really belongs, and creatures who respect her feelings.

3 comments:

Linda said...

Emma, I get the feeling that psychologists just wrap all this stuff up in big words and confuse us sometimes. I don't see anything "wrong" with you, but I do see someone who's--what we used to call it in the old days: shy! Like Beth in LITTLE WOMEN. I was the same way myself in school; socially awkward because I didn't like the same music and things the other kids did, and I had to pretend because they would have just laughed if I said I liked Perry Como and Bing Crosby rather than the Beatles and the Stones. I STILL stammer and forget words when I talk to strangers, which is why I'd rather send e-mails at work rather than calling people. When I write I sound like a competent adult; when I talk I still sound like a shy teenager. It's the same at your work; you have nothing in common with anyone. I didn't start talking to people freely until I went to my first convention because I knew there I was accepted and people liked them same things I did (and if they didn't, you can always find another group!). When YOU find a group like this about anything you're interested in--the Stooges, doll collecting, etc.--even football teams!--you will find you can talk freely and it will be such a relief for you. I wish there was some type of interest group near you to meet with.

Unknown said...

Hi Emma -- I've been following your blog off and on for a while as I stumbled upon it one day by accident, so I like to think I'm reasonably familiar with some of your struggles, and hope you will take this in the spirit in which it's intended, which is to be helpful and maybe suggest a few things to you that others haven't, and not to pick on you (or anyone else). You don't have to post it (in fact it's maybe better if you don't), and you can email me or contact me via Facebook if you ever want to discuss anything further. I think this should link back to my blog once I sign in.

Anyway, I think it's great that you're seeing a counselor and making such an effort to figure out where you can improve upon your life. I'm not thrilled with the notion that there is something "wrong" with you -- it's possible that you're just a highly sensitive person, and being such can come with a whole host of what feel to OTHER people like problems but to you are just the ways in which you view the world. So be wary of people who want to put a label on you or find a "solution" for your "problem" -- like Mrs. Stahl is telling you, maybe it's time to just accept yourself for the way you are.

And I really want to urge you to reconsider your views on work. First of all, if it was fun, we wouldn't call it work. Second of all, I work in an insurance office. It's horrible. The clients suck, most of my coworkers are less intelligent than me and super annoying to boot, and the work itself is just kind of day in and day out the same thing. In college, I majored in English Lit with a concentration in Creative Writing. I'm a WRITER. I'm not an insurance agent. I work to pay bills and make a living and provide for my family; I don't come here to make friends or relate to other people -- I come here for a paycheck. I sometimes think that you might be a little lonely so you often look around at people around you and assume that they are happier and more fulfilled and that everyone is friends and you're being left out, and I'm here to tell you, nothing could be further than the truth. Maybe your coworkers are better at shooting the breeze with one another and making small talk than you are, so it appears that they are all "friends", but I seriously doubt they're all hanging out together on their off hours (maybe they are, but I doubt it). I have exactly two coworkers out of 30 that I would even CONSIDER ever seeing outside the office, but we never do -- we are mostly too busy living our lives, and that's fine. We're here to work. So don't put so much pressure on yourself to feel like work has to be this great fulfilling experience everyday -- think of it instead as a means to an end. You have a lot of hobbies and interests (doll collecting, music, books, movies), and rent and bills to pay, and that's what work is for. I found that once I was able to come around and accept that work ISN'T my life, it made it easier to come here every single day. I honestly feel like there are very few people who get to do work that they love every single day -- so maybe we should just live a life we love outside of work, and let work work for US by allowing us to have that.

I write books, and I'm a mother and a wife, and I have a few friends that I love -- that's who I am. Not a job or a career. Someday, I hope to write full time, but until that pays the bills, I have to do this. And that's fine. It's what everyone has to do.

(to be continued... got too long winded!)

Unknown said...

(and the rest...)

Accept the things you love to do as being okay, and the reasons you love them as being okay. Don't put so much pressure on yourself on making friends everywhere you go -- you've got your best friend even though she doesn't live nearby, and you've got family. Think about whether or not you really, truly NEED or WANT more than that, or if it's just what you think you SHOULD want because other people have conditioned you to believe that.

Religion and faith are okay if you're into them; if you find the mere thought scary, I wouldn't push. Religion isn't for everyone. And it's okay for you to tell your counselor that -- "It's not for me" or "I'm not comfortable with that." That's all it takes. if she has some compelling reason why she thinks it would help you, by all means let her tell it, but she's not infallible.

But seriously think about this: Maybe you're fine just the way you are. Maybe a lot of the worrying you do is because other people are telling you about their ideal Emma. I am a highly sensitive person who grew up in a family with alcoholic parents; I can't even begin to tell you how painful that could be sometimes, and how often I heard that I wasn't okay when I was a child. But I was okay, and I am MORE than okay. Let go of all that stuff that other people have been saying about you your whole life and I bet you'll find that you're actually fine, just the way you are.

Take care!
Shannon