Tuesday, February 15, 2022

When Things Get Worse

I'm going to try to make this quick, as this was a very bad day. It started off with a ringing phone. Rose wanted to know what I was doing, and she wanted to know yesterday. She wasn't happy. I'm not happy with me, either. She doesn't understand why Mom is dumping all this on her and accused me of being self-centered and not knowing anything about her. Maybe because Mom is in her 60's and is trying to move down to Virginia with our brother, and has been for years. 

Mom thinks Rose has it easy because she owns her home. Rose thinks Mom has it easy because she's on her own. The truth is, no one in my family has a great life. There's only five adults in the entire family who are actually working at the moment - me, Rose's husband Craig, my brother Keefe, and Jessa and her husband Joe. Keefe and Craig work insane hours at a Naval shipyard and a popular local restaurant respectively, and Jessa's working two jobs. Anny's having problems with her sons, Jodie's having an equally hard time finding a place to go, Rose is out of a job, and Mom and Jodie don't have jobs and have had to deal with the deaths of their husbands in the last three years or so. And all this on top of a world-wide pandemic with many families going through the same problems. 

Don't get me wrong, I love them all, but I've had it up to here with their drama. That's one of the huge reasons I moved up here - to get away from the drama. Everyone on this side of the family just seemed to get along so well...until Uncle Ken died, then Bruce. They were the patriarchs who paid for everyone and solved everyone's problems, and no one's been able to step up and replace them. I finally explained to Rose that I had those two appointments today and would get back to her after them.

Then I dressed quickly and went online, and waited for that phone call from the rental counselor. And waited. And waited. I finally checked my e-mail around 9:16...and the counselor said I hadn't posted all the necessary paperwork and files, like credit reports and my W2s and a budget. God, I felt like a complete idiot. The last time I checked my account on their website, there wasn't anything there, but that was a week ago. I figured you'd bring those in or send them to them. And she can't see me again until later in the week, maybe. I completely ruined that appointment.

And then Rose texted and asked me how the appointment went. Not only do I not know what to tell her, but I don't want to get into another fight like I did with her this morning. Some of us are not lawyers and don't handle anger well. In fact, I've panicked over what to say to her the whole day. I called Mom about it after I sent the information. She says I don't owe Rose anything at this point...but Rose is my sister and my lawyer. I need to tell her something. I just don't know what to say that'll not make her blow up all over again or think I'm even less competent.

I also contacted my high school friend Kristie Cohen, who offered me a room at her aunt's home in North Cape May, on Facebook Messenger. I don't want to move down to Cape May County again. I think it's a bad idea. I need the resources here. I also don't have a choice. I don't know anyone here who is offering me a place to stay. Everyone I know up here just does not have the room, and neither do my other close friends. I am out of time and about to be evicted. That will be on my record, and I will never, ever get an apartment.

Had a quick breakfast after I finally got off with Mom while watching The Backyardigans. Tyrone, Pablo, and Uniqua think "The Tea Party" will be boring. Not the way Tasha does tea parties! She takes them gliding through the jungles of Borneo, to the palace of the grumpy Emperor Austin of China, and out-racing a gushing geyser in the Gobi Desert, all in search of the perfect pot of tea. 

Went right back on the computer after the cartoon ended. I uploaded more paperwork, then tried to figure out my finances until my appointment with Mrs. Stahl began. At least this went without a hitch. She also liked the idea of me moving in with Kristie and pointed out that we're in crisis mode now. She and Rose both pointed out my inability to problem-solve. I think it's less that than I don't push the whole thing through. I come up with ideas, get excited about them, then drop them when I can't figure them out or they require skills I don't have (and until recently, couldn't afford to get). 

I am just...gone. Done. Kaput. I was running on four hours' sleep. Mrs. Stahl says I'm not a failure or a bad person, but I can't help feeling that way. She says I can't get on a spiral of negativity. It's very hard to stay positive when everything is going wrong and you are dead on your feet. I am losing everything - my home, my independence, the things I cherish, my relationships with my family, any chance I have of getting help with my problems. 

I really don't want to stay in South Jersey at all. I know how expensive it is here. I've searched pretty much all over South Jersey online, from Cape May to Cherry Hill, for homes. There isn't much I can afford anywhere. Plus, I have never fit in anywhere in my entire life. College was the closest I ever came to actually feeling like I belonged somewhere. The trouble is...I don't know where to go. I have no children I can share a home with. All I want is to write in a home of my own, but I don't know what to do with that, or how to get to that goal, or where I should be to get that goal. 

Broke for dinner at quarter of 7. Watched the second half of Match Game '77 while heating up my own home-made frozen dinner of leftover chicken legs, bulger, and carrots and green beans. Let it run into Match Game PM as I did the dishes. Gene and the others found themselves dealing with a bubbly contestant who had bouncy blonde curls and a honey Arkansas accent, but not the best answers. 

Finished the night on Peacock with Hairspray Live! I go further into the TV version of the hit Broadway show at my Musical Dreams Movie Reviews blog. 

Oh, and I still haven't heard from Kristie. I'm hoping she'll get back to me tomorrow. 

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